All Hail the Useless
So I was thinking today…and when my vision cleared and my head stopped hurting I decided to write this blog. What I wanted to write about was some of the useless items that I have been seeing a lot lately and how they are important to us as a society. One of the useless things that I have noticed is car alarms. I’ll give a scenario to illustrate my point. I was outside today taking my smoke break when a car alarm went off in the distance, supposedly letting the owner know that danger was afoot and that they should check their vehicle immediately. Instead the alarm raged on for a full five minutes, thus ruining my smoke break where I like to listen to the peaceful singing of birds while I inhale noxious fumes into my lungs.
This incident told me a few things. The most important is that car alarms are useless in their supposed function of deterring thieves from stealing stuff. I personally can’t remember the last time I heard a car alarm and thought “Someone’s vehicle is being broken into. I should rush over there and interfere with the criminal by using my super powers of shouting ‘Hey, you. What are you doing?’ loudly from a safe distance.” Usually I think the same thing that everyone else who doesn’t own a car alarm thinks. Someone bumped another car and the stupid alarm is going to ring like this until they get done with their shopping. Even the people who have the alarms think the same thing, even though they know that they have an alarm and, supposing that they know what it sounds like, when they hear it they would check to see that their shit wasn’t getting taken. This is not the case. If it was then every time a car was bumped and a tornado warning set off there would be a bum rush to the doors of Wal-Mart to see if their junk is still safely locked in the vehicle.
In fact, I would wager that most thieves know how to effectively disarm a car’s security system so that they might loot in relative peace without all that wailing. So the time to really be scared is if you don’t hear an alarm ring for five minutes. This means that the thief has shut it off and your collection a Garth Brooks CD’s are now missing. So, how are car alarms important to society? Well…they promote a collective concern to instill a lesson on someone to check their cars when alarms go off by not really doing anything themselves. That’ll teach them.
One of the other things that I have found somewhat useless is bathroom signs with brail on them. Now don’t think I hate blind people or something. I don’t. I have nothing against the visually impaired. In fact I am about one inch of Coke bottle away from being deemed legally impaired myself. But I don’t see the use of having brail on bathroom signs. Let’s give another scenario to illustrate my point. You are blind, and in the course of a dinner you find yourself with the need to urinate and/or defecate. So you get up from the table and after several spilled wine glasses and a few hands in other’s soufflés you come to a door. Now you check the brail engraving to make sure that you chose the right door. All is hunky-dory except it seems like, to the outside observer such as myself, that it is a little cruel to let you fend for yourself across a crowded restaurant just to come to a door, is it to the kitchen or possibly the broom closet, that you now have to “read” to enter the correct one.
Now in reality I would hope that if the situation came up where you had to go to the restroom that the friend/lover/neighbor who is dining with you would have the good manners to offer to show you where it is, saving you the numerous apologies and embarrassing moment when you use someone’s toupee as a towel. You’ve never been to this restaurant, how should you know where the bathrooms are? Unless you have the type of friend (dick) who would steer you toward the wrong room in the chance of getting a cheap chuckle at your expense. If this is the case then they deserve the walking stick to the crotch that they get after you’ve fell for it for the fifth time. (Five being the number of times that you give him to redeem himself instead of giggling like a girl at the thought of you going to the opposite sex’s restroom) Thus if you have the kind of good friends that would lead you across a crowded restaurant and point you to the proper facility then brail on the door becomes useless. So what’s the importance to society of brail on bathroom doors in public places? They promote independence in the visually impaired, so that after a dozen or so times of you embarrassing yourself in a crowded restaurant you will not what to go out to dinner anymore. Thus reducing the number of people with canes in public forums.
And speaking of bathrooms….where did all the paper towel dispensers go? I find that more and more are getting phased out to be replaced by blow driers. It was explained to me once that these blown driers are more environmentally friendly and more sanitary that paper towels. Bullshit I say. Okay, I’ll give on the fact that they cut down on the amount of paper that we use and thus keeping that half mile stretch of rainforest intact, but more sanitary? Give me a break. I would say that the blow driers promote more disease than anything. Have you every tried to get your hands fully dry under one of those things? It’s impossible, no matter how “vigorously” you rub your hands together. Thus, you still have to wipe your hands on your shirt to get them dry, which you would have done anyway when you saw that there were no more paper towels in the dispenser instead of wasting three minutes watching the lukewarm air push the water droplets across your hand and not evaporating them. And after that you still have to grab the handle, where forty people with “dick hands” previously placed their palms before you, to get out of the bathroom.
What’s with that? Why put the handle on the inside instead of making the door swing out so you can open it with your shoulder of foot instead of grabbing a handle that Sweaty Nuts McNasty just touched after not washing his hands because he didn’t want to waste the three minutes of “vigorously” rubbing his hands together and then whipping it on his shirt. So there you are faced with the fact that Bubba Penis Hands just put his disease ridden paw on the handle that you are about to grasp. Thank goodness there are some paper towels that you can grab….hey! That stupid blow drier thing! What a vicious cycle. Now you have to wait for a blind guy to come through the door so you can stick your foot in the closing door and make your escape unsullied. The lesson to society? If you ignore something it isn’t true. And if it isn’t true then the fact that you have other people’s genitalia residue on your hand can’t harm you. Ignorance is bliss.
So go ahead and be oblivious. Don’t worry about washing your hands, even if you dribble a little on the shake. What other people don’t know can’t hurt them. Unless they have chicken or some other type of food you have to eat with your hands. In that case it serves them right for not being civilized and eating with a fork. The barbarians.
This incident told me a few things. The most important is that car alarms are useless in their supposed function of deterring thieves from stealing stuff. I personally can’t remember the last time I heard a car alarm and thought “Someone’s vehicle is being broken into. I should rush over there and interfere with the criminal by using my super powers of shouting ‘Hey, you. What are you doing?’ loudly from a safe distance.” Usually I think the same thing that everyone else who doesn’t own a car alarm thinks. Someone bumped another car and the stupid alarm is going to ring like this until they get done with their shopping. Even the people who have the alarms think the same thing, even though they know that they have an alarm and, supposing that they know what it sounds like, when they hear it they would check to see that their shit wasn’t getting taken. This is not the case. If it was then every time a car was bumped and a tornado warning set off there would be a bum rush to the doors of Wal-Mart to see if their junk is still safely locked in the vehicle.
In fact, I would wager that most thieves know how to effectively disarm a car’s security system so that they might loot in relative peace without all that wailing. So the time to really be scared is if you don’t hear an alarm ring for five minutes. This means that the thief has shut it off and your collection a Garth Brooks CD’s are now missing. So, how are car alarms important to society? Well…they promote a collective concern to instill a lesson on someone to check their cars when alarms go off by not really doing anything themselves. That’ll teach them.
One of the other things that I have found somewhat useless is bathroom signs with brail on them. Now don’t think I hate blind people or something. I don’t. I have nothing against the visually impaired. In fact I am about one inch of Coke bottle away from being deemed legally impaired myself. But I don’t see the use of having brail on bathroom signs. Let’s give another scenario to illustrate my point. You are blind, and in the course of a dinner you find yourself with the need to urinate and/or defecate. So you get up from the table and after several spilled wine glasses and a few hands in other’s soufflés you come to a door. Now you check the brail engraving to make sure that you chose the right door. All is hunky-dory except it seems like, to the outside observer such as myself, that it is a little cruel to let you fend for yourself across a crowded restaurant just to come to a door, is it to the kitchen or possibly the broom closet, that you now have to “read” to enter the correct one.
Now in reality I would hope that if the situation came up where you had to go to the restroom that the friend/lover/neighbor who is dining with you would have the good manners to offer to show you where it is, saving you the numerous apologies and embarrassing moment when you use someone’s toupee as a towel. You’ve never been to this restaurant, how should you know where the bathrooms are? Unless you have the type of friend (dick) who would steer you toward the wrong room in the chance of getting a cheap chuckle at your expense. If this is the case then they deserve the walking stick to the crotch that they get after you’ve fell for it for the fifth time. (Five being the number of times that you give him to redeem himself instead of giggling like a girl at the thought of you going to the opposite sex’s restroom) Thus if you have the kind of good friends that would lead you across a crowded restaurant and point you to the proper facility then brail on the door becomes useless. So what’s the importance to society of brail on bathroom doors in public places? They promote independence in the visually impaired, so that after a dozen or so times of you embarrassing yourself in a crowded restaurant you will not what to go out to dinner anymore. Thus reducing the number of people with canes in public forums.
And speaking of bathrooms….where did all the paper towel dispensers go? I find that more and more are getting phased out to be replaced by blow driers. It was explained to me once that these blown driers are more environmentally friendly and more sanitary that paper towels. Bullshit I say. Okay, I’ll give on the fact that they cut down on the amount of paper that we use and thus keeping that half mile stretch of rainforest intact, but more sanitary? Give me a break. I would say that the blow driers promote more disease than anything. Have you every tried to get your hands fully dry under one of those things? It’s impossible, no matter how “vigorously” you rub your hands together. Thus, you still have to wipe your hands on your shirt to get them dry, which you would have done anyway when you saw that there were no more paper towels in the dispenser instead of wasting three minutes watching the lukewarm air push the water droplets across your hand and not evaporating them. And after that you still have to grab the handle, where forty people with “dick hands” previously placed their palms before you, to get out of the bathroom.
What’s with that? Why put the handle on the inside instead of making the door swing out so you can open it with your shoulder of foot instead of grabbing a handle that Sweaty Nuts McNasty just touched after not washing his hands because he didn’t want to waste the three minutes of “vigorously” rubbing his hands together and then whipping it on his shirt. So there you are faced with the fact that Bubba Penis Hands just put his disease ridden paw on the handle that you are about to grasp. Thank goodness there are some paper towels that you can grab….hey! That stupid blow drier thing! What a vicious cycle. Now you have to wait for a blind guy to come through the door so you can stick your foot in the closing door and make your escape unsullied. The lesson to society? If you ignore something it isn’t true. And if it isn’t true then the fact that you have other people’s genitalia residue on your hand can’t harm you. Ignorance is bliss.
So go ahead and be oblivious. Don’t worry about washing your hands, even if you dribble a little on the shake. What other people don’t know can’t hurt them. Unless they have chicken or some other type of food you have to eat with your hands. In that case it serves them right for not being civilized and eating with a fork. The barbarians.
posted by Burning Stickman at 9:46 PM
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