The Daily Grind

As I have stated in a previous blog, the workplace is an ideal atmosphere to observe the human condition. After changing jobs a couple of months ago I have found that my new job is no different. Let me give you a little bit of background on my job. I work for the state government, which automatically earns points on the Evil Servitude meter, as a Career Specialist. This is a glorified title for someone who spends most of his day trying to find work for people. There are four types of people who come in to see me:

1) Constantly Returning People
These are the people who have become real victims of a shitty economy and massive layoffs. Most people who come to see me are actually looking for gainful employment in this craphole of a job market and go off to be hired by a decent company. Yet, there are others who believe that if they come in day after day that we will eventually hand them a job. Like I might say to them one day: “Listen, Gunther. I see how hard you work looking for a job, coming in day after day and asking about jobs, and us giving you the information on them. It doesn’t matter that we checked and found out that you are not actually following up on any of the leads that we give you or put your applications in at any of the places that we know are hiring. We know that you think it is enough for you make this one stop every day and that it is unfair that employers don’t magically contact you for a super easy, high paying job. So, here’s my job. You’ve earned it with your persistence. I’m not worried. You’ll probably quit tomorrow because the job is too demanding and taking away from your X-Box (that you somehow afforded) and I will be back at work. Have an awesomely great day.”

2) Paper People
These are the people who come in with some type of paper from another party (parole office, unemployment office, child support office, etc) that they want you to sign to prove that they are not employed but are looking for work. How they look for work is that they come in and inquire about several jobs that they are not remotely qualified for. I’ll give an example: A man sits down across from me wearing jogging pants, a Rolling Stones t-shirt, Velcro shoes, and a tweed dress jacket (no shit). He gives me five jobs that he wants information about (which is the maximum number we allow so as to cut down the time spent on situations like this). Here is the conversation that ensues…

Doofus in Tweed Jacket: I would like to look at these jobs please.
Me: Sure. The first one requires sales experience and a Bachelor’s Degree. Do you have a degree?
Uneducated Goober: No.
Me: Okay…well sometimes experience can substitute for education. Have you had sales experience?
Fast Food Veteran: I’ve mainly worked in fast food. Does that count?
Me: Right. Okay, this next one is at a pawn shop….
Robber McStealy: I can’t work there. I have a felony and can’t be around guns.
Me: Well, two of these other jobs require degrees and the third is for a brain surgeon.
Asshole Wasting My Time: Could you sign this?

3) Pompous People
These are the people who believe that they should be getting paid a lot more than they are worth. Normally the people in the higher paying job brackets deserve their pay (surgeons, cancer researchers, engineers, Morgan Freeman), but then you also get the people that believe that they should be making more than they are worth (human resource managers, district attorneys in rural West Tennessee, sitcom writers, Dr. Phil). These are the people that really piss me off. They come in and look offended when you suggest that they should take another job for less money. What they don’t understand is that being a film critic for $45,000 a year is a good job in New York but not a realistic prospect here in the heartland. Here’s an example:

Me: How can we help you today?
Dude: I was in the Army and I drove trucks. (I am guessing at most of his conversation due to the 63 rings in his lips and nose. Most of what I heard was a mumbled wheeze) I’m looking for a job.
Me: We have this job… (I explain job to him and qualifications)
Dude: I don’t have the two years over the road experience required.
Me: Any long haul experience.
Dude: No. I drove locally around the base.
Me: Have you looked at short haul driving jobs and local routes?
Dude: They don’t pay enough. I have to be making at least $15 an hour.
Me: To drive a truck? (He nods and jingles) There’s no way.
Dude: (looking offended) You serious? No one is going to pay that much?
Me: Not unless you have a HAZMAT endorsement and are hauling volatile chemicals or explosives. You are looking at nine bucks an hour at most to start out as a short hauler. You’re dreaming if you think you can make $15 and hour with no long haul experience, Army or no Army.

At this he gave me the meanest look he could conjure (being that his ears comically touched his shoulders because some asshole had gone and stuck small European cars through his lobes), stood up and jangled his way out of my cubicle.

4) Anything People
These are the people who think that if they answer “anything” to the questions “What kind of work are you looking for?” and “What can you do?” that they will instantly get a job and the questions will stop (much like some people believe that if you put “fast learner” and “hard worker” in the special skills section of an application that all their other flaws, like shoddy work history and lack of legibility, will be overlooked). Here is how the scenario plays out in their head: I ask them one of these questions and they answer “anything.” I am so impressed that they can or are willing to do anything that I immediately give them a wad of cash and tell them that they are clever and handsome. Anyone who knows me will know that this scenario would play out differently.

Me: What can you do?
Bob: Oh, pretty much anything?
Me: Really? When was the last time you gave a lecture on Nanotechnology at Cornell?
Bob: What?
Me: Never mind. What kind of work are you looking for?
Bob: I’ll do anything.
Me: Really? I have a guy who needs people to work on his tobacco farm…
Bob: Naw. I worked tobacco when I was young and it’s hard work.
Me: I thought you said you would do anything.
Bob: Well, almost anything.
Me: I think I have a sawmill job somewhere here….
Bob: Can you sign this