Civilized Man

“What is best in life?”
“To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women!”
“That is good.”

I just finished building a bookcase and I have come to the conclusion…I AM ALL THAT IS MAN!!! Okay, so maybe that is a little dramatic, but it is how I feel. The process of taking wood, cleaved from the majestic poplar tree, and transforming it into a bookcase through the physical efforts of sawing, staining, sanding, sealing, sanding, sanding, sanding, drilling and nailing has given me sense of accomplishment akin to besting an opponent in mortal combat. It makes me feel…well…like a man.

It was once thought (by women) that the average male brain was a mish-mash of Playboy pictorials, useless sports trivia, and incorrect driving directions held together loosely by malted hops and Twinkie filling, but it has recently been discovered by scientists (who study such things as Playboy pictorials and sports) that the male brain is actually a ham sandwich wrapped around a compressed fruit cake from the Christmas of 1963. Those scientists were all ceremoniously sacked when it was discovered that they wasted research grant money on Pabst Blue Ribbon and Cubs tickets.

The simple fact is that men have certain needs (no, not sex) that reach all the way back into history to connect modern, civilized men with our caveman ancestors, and these needs must be met in order for the average man to function properly. These needs may seem very simple upon first glance, but the true evolutionary genius is the way that man has adapted to the changing world and still meets these needs.

*Caution* Some secrets are about to be revealed that men might not want their significant other to know. Guys, now is the time to nonchalantly lay a wad of cash on the coffee table and wonder aloud if you remember seeing a sale on shoes earlier in the week.

Need to Build
The “need to build” actually encompasses three odd male behaviors. The Need to…
Fix Things: It is an insult to men at a deep ancestral level to have to call someone to fix “simple” things around the house. There is a code in the Y chromosome that tells men that they should be able to reshingle a roof and fix the pipes under the kitchen sink regardless of that trip to the hospital the last time he tried to power-sand the front deck.

Buy Tools: Ever wonder why men have tons of tools that they never use? When was the last time you saw your neighbor Bill actually use that engine hoist in his garage besides that time he hung a cooler on it at the Memorial Day BBQ? Has he ever actually lifted an engine out of a car with it? Does it matter? No…because he bought it with the knowledge that one day he might have to pull an engine out of a car. Ever need to ratchet something at a 45 degree angle? Bill’s got the tool for that. Ever need a portable hydraulic jack the size of a shoe with the capability of lifting a Sherman tank…and doubles as an AM/FM radio? Bill’s got two of those. This is the “got it if I need it” clause in men’s brains. This clause also applies to large, fully automatic guns and that collection of “battle ready” Medieval sword replicas (just in case the zombies come).

Build Stuff: There comes a time in every man’s life when an ache grows deep down inside of him to take everyday materials, such as wood or stone and either combine them or shape them to form some sort of “usable” object. This ache is centuries old and has produced such life changing inventions as the wheel, fire (unintentional), the Pear of Anguish (ouch), and the Ronco food dehydrator. Some believe that the Wall of China was built to keep Mongols out…but, in fact, it was really some guy named Geoff (which is Chinese for Jeff) who felt the need to build something. The need to build is the reason for the exorbitant amount of birdhouses across the globe.

The Need to Hunt and Gather
This need is the most primitive in existence, and often the most overlooked. The reason that it is overlooked is because it has evolved into some pretty odd behaviors. The obvious evolution still involves hunting. Despite the abundance of pre-packaged meats women often wonder why men (and some women) get up before the sun rises to sit in an uncomfortable chair high above the ground to shoot Bambi’s dad. The answer…the need to hunt. The need to stalk a deer through the forest, using tracking skills passed down from father to son, and slay it with your bare hands so that your family could eat that week has been replaced by the need to sit quietly, with your iPod on low volume, on a pre-fabricated metal tree stand and shoot your prey from 75 yards with hollow-tipped bullets and a powerful scope. Even though meat is readily available at Wal-Mart we still have the urge to kill wild animals with our metaphorical bare hands.

Branching off from this need to hunt is the need for fire. There is something very primitive and very satisfying about dropping a steak on an open flame, even if it is in your driveway while wearing a “Wanna Taste My Meat?” grilling apron. Some women have wondered why it is that a man would go outside in three inches of snow to cook hamburgers on a charcoal grill. Why take all that time to prepare, season, and slow cook delicious animals when you can pay people at a restaurant to do it for you? The answer is…because we have to. There is a sense of accomplishment that comes from serving up food that was prepared by your hands over Prometheus’ stolen treasure that links us to the time when our ancestors stood on an open plain with the smell of buffalo or elk drifting off to the empty horizon.

Give me a moment……..

I’m weeping……

And salivating……..

The last need stemming from hunting and gathering is the need for freedom. Every wonder why people ride motorcycles when cars are available? The answer is freedom. Think about it, we spend most of our lives in boxes. Houses are boxes, the buildings where we work are boxes, and even cars are boxes (convertibles are opened boxes). But on motorcycles we can feel the wind rushing all around us and be transported back to the open range where men rode horses across the expansive landscape (and look cool doing it). Men need this sense of freedom from their everyday lives of working in cubicles and dealing with the pressures of a failing economy and the looming war with Russia.

This need for freedom is also the reason that men find such satisfaction in peeing outside. Men, given the choice between using a toilet or urinal and walking into their back yard to relieve themselves, will always choose to drain the snake under the stars (this usually happens at night to avoid the neighbors leering stares). The reason? No aiming. It’s as simple as that. You can just release and lean your head back to watch for possible UFOs. No worrying about hitting the toilet or putting the seat back down. This is the favorite mode of relieving oneself after a college party when your motor skills have been drastically reduced by Jagermeister and Corona. This no aiming policy is also the reason why all men have pissed in the shower at least a dozen times in their life. It’s true. If a man tells you that he has never peed in the shower then he is lying to you. Stop looking at me like that. It goes right down the drain. We all do it.

So, I hope this helped to clear up the reasons why the simple act of building a bookcase has reaffirmed, in my mind, the feeling of being a real man. It may not be the Pyramids or the Eiffel Tower, but I put a lot of work into my humble bookcase and it stands strong and proud as a testament to my manhood for a long time to come. And when people come over and see my sturdy, well-built masterpiece of wood and stain they will…..well, shit.

I have to go now. My bookcase has just collapsed into a heap of wood and stain.

And for some reason has spontaneously burst into flames.