Gnomes and Genocide
So I finally got off my ass and mowed my yard when I got home from work today. After an hour I was passing over the front yard for the second time (the first was just to get it to knee level) and I made a discovery. Two actually.
One was that the tribe of yard gnomes had evolved at an accelerated rate and was now living in a metropolis instead of a group of huts. Where they got the materials, I don’t know. The second discovery came when I looked closer at their quasi-futuristic clothes. They were a familiar blue. Then I saw a United States Postal Service badge on one of them. That’s why I hadn’t gotten my mail in three days! They must have captured him and….well I don’t want to think too hard about what they did with him.
So I drove on and shuffled through my mind the pros and cons of what to do with this discovery. On one hand we had a very scary, possibly dangerous civilization that might someday evolve to rise up and overthrow humans. On the other hand….they were awfully cute. So I wondered what to do about my gnomes…….wait.
I don’t have any yard gnomes. My neighbors do. I quickly looked across the street to where their smiling faces usually stayed in her flower garden, and they were gone. I had refugee gnomes in my yard. Runaways. Deserters. I couldn’t have that.
So on my next pass I steered the Craftsman just a little to the left and was rewarded with the sound of three blades mulching an entire culture. Some may call me cruel for my actions, but they have to understand. What if the gnomes had decided to invade us? How could we, in good conscience, defend ourselves against such cute and lovable enemies? Could you? Could you take a shotgun to a cute little yard gnome, even if you knew that life and freedom hung in the balance? Well now you don’t have to make that decision. I have saved all of you good people out there the mental anguish of having to cut down one of these gnomes.
By my actions, you are now free to live your lives without a guilty conscience. You are all welcome.
*Disclaimer: Most of the above narration is a farce that was made up by the writer in a fit of exhaustion and should not be taken seriously. It did not take the writer two hours to mow the yard. The gnome part was real.
**No Postal workers were hurt while writing this blog
One was that the tribe of yard gnomes had evolved at an accelerated rate and was now living in a metropolis instead of a group of huts. Where they got the materials, I don’t know. The second discovery came when I looked closer at their quasi-futuristic clothes. They were a familiar blue. Then I saw a United States Postal Service badge on one of them. That’s why I hadn’t gotten my mail in three days! They must have captured him and….well I don’t want to think too hard about what they did with him.
So I drove on and shuffled through my mind the pros and cons of what to do with this discovery. On one hand we had a very scary, possibly dangerous civilization that might someday evolve to rise up and overthrow humans. On the other hand….they were awfully cute. So I wondered what to do about my gnomes…….wait.
I don’t have any yard gnomes. My neighbors do. I quickly looked across the street to where their smiling faces usually stayed in her flower garden, and they were gone. I had refugee gnomes in my yard. Runaways. Deserters. I couldn’t have that.
So on my next pass I steered the Craftsman just a little to the left and was rewarded with the sound of three blades mulching an entire culture. Some may call me cruel for my actions, but they have to understand. What if the gnomes had decided to invade us? How could we, in good conscience, defend ourselves against such cute and lovable enemies? Could you? Could you take a shotgun to a cute little yard gnome, even if you knew that life and freedom hung in the balance? Well now you don’t have to make that decision. I have saved all of you good people out there the mental anguish of having to cut down one of these gnomes.
By my actions, you are now free to live your lives without a guilty conscience. You are all welcome.
*Disclaimer: Most of the above narration is a farce that was made up by the writer in a fit of exhaustion and should not be taken seriously. It did not take the writer two hours to mow the yard. The gnome part was real.
**No Postal workers were hurt while writing this blog
posted by Burning Stickman at 6:36 PM
1 Comments:
That was funny! I was curious if the gnomes were cute; how were you able to mulch them up? Are you just cruel?
Post a Comment
<< Home