Patent Pending
What do a backscratcher, a sock, a rubber glove, and some scotch tape have in common? No, you sick bastard! That stunt hasn’t been tried since the late ‘70s, and it was a complete failure then. Two men, a woman, and a goat were hospitalized and a priest was called to sanctify the place after. What are you thinking? What I am talking about is my new invention. The phrase “Necessity is the mother of all invention” is one of the truest out there. Right up there with Murphy’s Law and anything Homer Simpson says. I found myself in a pickle recently, and I had to think fast and act accordingly.
When I got my new tattoo on the middle of my back (where I can’t reach without some latent mutant ability suddenly springing to light) I didn’t take into account the fact that I am going through a divorce and that there is no one in the house with me. So who’s gonna assist me in putting the tattoo lotion on my new artwork? This is where the gears started working and a new invention was born.
On the non-scratching end of the backscratcher I placed a sock (for comfort), over which I stretched a rubber glove (for sanitary purposes), and taped it all down at the end for waterproofing and stability. Thus I have the new Hard to Reach Back Area Lotion Application Wand (patent pending). Now with just the help of two mirrors, my skills gained as a contortionist (from the one time I saw that one guy on that one movie), and my new HRBALAW I am able to quickly (HA!) and easily (HA! HA!) apply the lotion to the necessary area of my tattoo.
“Why not ask one of your friends to do it?” you might ask. One: Guys have a reflex that renders us unable to ask another guy to apply anything to our bodies that involves touching. Unless the other guy is a doctor, brother, or very close friend that you have survived a life threatening encounter with we just can’t bring ourselves to ask. Two: Okay number one is really the only reason. “What about a friend who’s a woman?” you might then ask. I’m a man who was recently married. We don’t have friends that are women. We have general acquaintances with women at work or with our friend’s wives and girlfriends, and you just can’t ask a friend’s significant other to rub lotion on you. That’s a whole set of other problems just waiting to surface. And I am definitely opposed to asking complete strangers to rub me up with some lotion. Try asking a woman that you’ve just met to rub lotion on you. She will either walk/run away with a disgusted look on her face, promptly find the nearest law enforcement official and point you out as a pervert, or she will say yes. The ones who say yes are the ones that you have to watch out for.
So all in all, my new invention is a necessity that is unavoidable. Which is fine. We all live with out choices. I have the mirrors set up at the proper angles and the lines drawn on the floor, wall, and counter top of my bathroom where my hands and feet need to go. I’m all set. Good luck to all you future inventors out there, and never try what I am about to attempt without the supervision of an expert (Crazy Larry the Homeless Guy).
When I got my new tattoo on the middle of my back (where I can’t reach without some latent mutant ability suddenly springing to light) I didn’t take into account the fact that I am going through a divorce and that there is no one in the house with me. So who’s gonna assist me in putting the tattoo lotion on my new artwork? This is where the gears started working and a new invention was born.
On the non-scratching end of the backscratcher I placed a sock (for comfort), over which I stretched a rubber glove (for sanitary purposes), and taped it all down at the end for waterproofing and stability. Thus I have the new Hard to Reach Back Area Lotion Application Wand (patent pending). Now with just the help of two mirrors, my skills gained as a contortionist (from the one time I saw that one guy on that one movie), and my new HRBALAW I am able to quickly (HA!) and easily (HA! HA!) apply the lotion to the necessary area of my tattoo.
“Why not ask one of your friends to do it?” you might ask. One: Guys have a reflex that renders us unable to ask another guy to apply anything to our bodies that involves touching. Unless the other guy is a doctor, brother, or very close friend that you have survived a life threatening encounter with we just can’t bring ourselves to ask. Two: Okay number one is really the only reason. “What about a friend who’s a woman?” you might then ask. I’m a man who was recently married. We don’t have friends that are women. We have general acquaintances with women at work or with our friend’s wives and girlfriends, and you just can’t ask a friend’s significant other to rub lotion on you. That’s a whole set of other problems just waiting to surface. And I am definitely opposed to asking complete strangers to rub me up with some lotion. Try asking a woman that you’ve just met to rub lotion on you. She will either walk/run away with a disgusted look on her face, promptly find the nearest law enforcement official and point you out as a pervert, or she will say yes. The ones who say yes are the ones that you have to watch out for.
So all in all, my new invention is a necessity that is unavoidable. Which is fine. We all live with out choices. I have the mirrors set up at the proper angles and the lines drawn on the floor, wall, and counter top of my bathroom where my hands and feet need to go. I’m all set. Good luck to all you future inventors out there, and never try what I am about to attempt without the supervision of an expert (Crazy Larry the Homeless Guy).
posted by Burning Stickman at 9:19 AM
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