When the Pluck Gets Going

Imagine, if you will, a scene. I drive up to the pumps at the local gas station and, after releasing a sigh of relief at the lowered gas price, I pump my desired amount into my thirsty tank. As I am walking toward the building to pay I realize that I am also parched and am in need of refreshment. What shall it be, I wonder. An orange soda perhaps, or a yellow citrus drink. But I’m really thirsty and am in need of some perking up. Yes, a sports drink with electrodes and junk to rehydrate my body. That’s the ticket. Yet, as I open the glass door to grab a red beverage with the suffix ‘aid’ on the end of it, I notice a display case next to it. And I know what I must do.

I’ve started to notice a trend in the super markets and convenience stores. Whole display cases are now used to house the frosty coolness of a certain type of beverage that is growing in strength and popularity. Energy drinks have come to save us from the boring, exhausted world of our daily lives. We no longer have to worry about sleep deprivation or tired minds, because we can now wake up and alert ourselves with the consumption of one simple drink. Except we have forty-seven types to choose from.

From cold coffee with flavor, to ginseng infused sodas, to green tea and lavender, to hard core “extreme” drinks that will have you crawling the ceiling like a spider who’s lost his Ritalin. Red Bull, Mountain Dew, Sobe, Starbucks and others are all cashing in on the fact that America has lost the will and time to take care of themselves enough to face the day to day tasks that lie before them. Stayed up late working on that deposition? Run down from not getting your vitamins and minerals out of sliced potatoes and hamburger patties? Just feel like a walking pile of shit? Try some pick-me-up in a can/bottle.

Yes, we have become so lazy that in order to stave off the feeling of being lazy we try to ‘boost’ ourselves with enough caffeine to croak a full grown water buffalo. But they taste good…right? Well, I have tried some of these energy drinks in the last few days to see how they stand up to the taste tests. One such drink, made by the same people who bring you ‘large landmass condensation,’ tastes like someone wrung out a pair of Shaq’s underwear after a big game and added a touch of citrus. It’s competitor, made by the people who bring you ‘calm color that mixes with blue to make green,’ is not much better. Along with ‘maroon male bovine’ these energy sodas do have the effect of making you perk up, just for the fact that the taste shocks you awake when you realize that you are drinking such horrid spew. But they have ginseng, and that’s got to be a plus.

Next I move on to the cold coffee section. Instead of getting a nice warm cup of regular java, these brands promote a cool bottle of espresso to kick your but into high gear. These, I don’t mind so much. The taste is actually pleasant, but the crash at the end of the caffeine high is feels like someone putting a spout on your back and draining all your life force. They are great if you have the money enough to last you all day at three bucks a dose.

And what happened to Surge? Or Jolt? Has anyone seen these colas lately?

So next time you are walking into the store to buy a couple packs of smokes, some lotto scratchers, and some gas you might notice that your reserves of pluck are running low. This is when you can walk to the back of the store and pick up a bottle or can of liquid pep to help you get through the next few hours without falling asleep or stabbing a fellow co-worker with an unsharpened pencil. Just make your selection from the two cases of frosty energy and let the worries of getting three hours sleep the night before dissolve into the fevered haze of caffeine induced bliss.