Stickman ’08…Breaking News!!!!
Since October of 2005 this site has been covering a candidate for the upcoming 2008 Presidential election who was virtually unknown until yesterday…when he officially became completely unknown. This dark horse Independent candidate started his campaign 3 years early to help spread his message of change, but lack of funds and political experience (coupled with the fact that no one knew who the hell he was) caused him to remain in the proverbial shadows despite follow-up reports on him in December of 2005 and January of 2007.
This candidate’s name…is Burning Stickman.
After the final Presidential debate last night Burning Stickman announced that he would be dropping out of the running for President and switching his endorsement over to the Democratic nominee, Barack Obama. We caught up with Burning Stickman after the debate and he agreed to an in-depth interview with our political correspondent Haye Whatsizname. After the loss of several reporters and interns following the Burning Stickman (B.S.) campaign trail it took some persuasion (and threatening) to get Haye to finally agree to conduct the face-to-face interview with B.S. Here is the interview that Haye gave…from behind a 2 foot thick blast shield of Plexiglas.
Haye: “Good to see you Burning Stickman. You look well.”
Stickman: “AAAAAARRRGGG!!!”
Haye: “Thank you, it’s a new tie. And a new fire retardant suit. So…the question on everyone in America’s mind right now is ‘Who will be the best President?’ With your flawless strategy and clear answers to the troubling questions facing America today you were a sure winner when you started your campaign in 2005. What happened between then and now to make drop out of the race this close to Election Day?”
Stickman: “AAARRRGG!! AARRRRRGGGGGG!!! AAAAAAAAAAAARG!!! ARG!”
Haye: “Really? They didn’t send you an invitation to any of the debates?”
Stickman: “AAAARRRGGG!!! AAAAARRRGG!!”
Haye: “Yeah, my feelings would have been hurt too. But, it seems you are the perfect candidate and that you were running on a strong platform of change and economic reform. Why do you think that you were unable to gain a following?”
Stickman: “ARG, ARRGG, AAAAAARRRGGG!! AAAAARRGGG!!! AAAAARRRGGGG!!!”
Haye: “But it should have been obvious that they both stole your campaign slogan late in the race.”
Stickman: “AAAAAARRRRGGGGGG!!!!
Haye: “Exactly. So let’s talk about the other candidates’ races. What do you think of the race and gender cards that seems to be factors? Do you think, as a stickman on constant fire, that your minority status hurt your campaign?
Stickman: “AAAAARRGG!! AAAARRGG!!! AAAAARRRRRGGG!! ARG! ARRGG!”
Haye: “Ha, ha, ha. Very witty Mr. Stickman. I can see how that would have been an advantage for you. You can be either black or white depending on how hot you burn, and if the voters are swayed by a pretty woman Vice President then they should have loved you because you are much ‘hotter’ than her.”
Stickman: “AAAARRGG!! AAARRRRGGGGG!!! AAAAARRRGGGGGGGGGG!!!”
Haye: “And speaking of Vice Presidents, do you think that your choice of running mates hurt your campaign?”
Stickman: “AAARRRGGG!!!?”
Haye: “Well…your running mate was The Fonze.”
Stickman: “AAAAAAAARRRRGGG!! AARRGG!! AAAARRRGGG!!”
Haye: “Yes, I realize that he is ‘cool to the max,’ but he is also a fictional character.”
Stickman: “AAARRGG!!?”
Haye: “Yeah. Happy Days was a show, not a documentary.”
Stickman: “AARRGGGG!! AAAAARRRGG!!!”
Haye: “That makes sense. Henry Winkler hasn’t got anything better to do these days. Let’s switch topics. What do you think about the other two candidates spending outlandish amounts of money on their campaigns when your total campaign spending for the last three years totaled $64.37?”
Stickman: “AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!! AAARRRGG!! AAAAARRRRGGG!!!!! AAAAAARRRRRGGGGG!!”
Haye: “No, I’m not criticizing you. I understand that coffee is an important tool in maintaining any campaign.”
Stickman: “AAAAARRRGGG!! AAAAARRRRGGG!! AAAAAARRRRGGGGG!!”
Haye: “I agree. It does seem to send a wrong message in this time of our country’s financial troubles to spend millions of dollars on attack ads.”
Stickman: “AAAARRRGGG!!”
Haye: “So, to wrap this up…why did you choose to endorse Obama over McCain? His ideas and plans for our nation seem to more closely resemble yours…but what are the other reasons?”
Stickman: “AAAAAAARRRRRGGGG!!! AAAARRRRGGGG!! AAAAAAAAARRRRGGGG!!! AARRGG!! AAAARRRRGGGG!! AAAAAARRRRGGGG!!! AAARRGG!! AAAAAAARRRRGGGG!!! AARRGG!!! ARG! AAAAAAARRRRGGGGG!!!!!! AAAAAAAARRRGGG!! AAAAAARG!!! AAAAAARRRRRRGGGG!!! AARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!”
Haye: “Wow! You know, I was one the fence about who to vote for…but after that speech I realize that Obama it the clear choice to heal our country. That was the most eloquent and poignant explanation I have ever heard, and after America hears what you just said I am sure that Obama will win in a landslide. Do you plan to vote early or go on election day?”
Stickman: “AAARRGGG!! AAAARRGGGGG!!! AAARRGGG!!”
Haye: “What do you mean you’re not an American citizen?”
Stickman: “AARRGG!! AAAARRRGGG!! AAARRRGGG!!!”
Haye: “Yeah, I understand that you’re a stickman…but…you were running for President!”
Stickman: “AAARRRGGG!!?”
Haye: “You have to be an American citizen to…hell, you have to have been born here to run…you know what? Screw it! I’m out of here.”
At this point, ace reporter Haye Whatsizname turned off his microphone and stormed out of the bunker where the interview was being held. To date, he is the only reporter to survive an interview with Burning Stickman without being incinerated beyond recognition.
UPDATE…
Before this report aired we received word from our producers that reporter Haye Whatsizname is apparently dead after being involved in a tragic accident. It appears that he was taking his flame retardant jumpsuit off in his trailer when he tripped and fell, causing his new tie to somehow be caught in the ceiling fan. After cutting himself free he then apparently jumped around his trailer causing massive damage to his belongings, reached his hand into his Cuisinart food processor while it was on, and somehow broke his knees on a baseball bat that was lying around. While passed out on the floor it appears that a pillow from the couch fell on his face and smothered him.
To date, no foul play is suspected.
He will be missed by his accountant.
This candidate’s name…is Burning Stickman.
After the final Presidential debate last night Burning Stickman announced that he would be dropping out of the running for President and switching his endorsement over to the Democratic nominee, Barack Obama. We caught up with Burning Stickman after the debate and he agreed to an in-depth interview with our political correspondent Haye Whatsizname. After the loss of several reporters and interns following the Burning Stickman (B.S.) campaign trail it took some persuasion (and threatening) to get Haye to finally agree to conduct the face-to-face interview with B.S. Here is the interview that Haye gave…from behind a 2 foot thick blast shield of Plexiglas.
Haye: “Good to see you Burning Stickman. You look well.”
Stickman: “AAAAAARRRGGG!!!”
Haye: “Thank you, it’s a new tie. And a new fire retardant suit. So…the question on everyone in America’s mind right now is ‘Who will be the best President?’ With your flawless strategy and clear answers to the troubling questions facing America today you were a sure winner when you started your campaign in 2005. What happened between then and now to make drop out of the race this close to Election Day?”
Stickman: “AAARRRGG!! AARRRRRGGGGGG!!! AAAAAAAAAAAARG!!! ARG!”
Haye: “Really? They didn’t send you an invitation to any of the debates?”
Stickman: “AAAARRRGGG!!! AAAAARRRGG!!”
Haye: “Yeah, my feelings would have been hurt too. But, it seems you are the perfect candidate and that you were running on a strong platform of change and economic reform. Why do you think that you were unable to gain a following?”
Stickman: “ARG, ARRGG, AAAAAARRRGGG!! AAAAARRGGG!!! AAAAARRRGGGG!!!”
Haye: “But it should have been obvious that they both stole your campaign slogan late in the race.”
Stickman: “AAAAAARRRRGGGGGG!!!!
Haye: “Exactly. So let’s talk about the other candidates’ races. What do you think of the race and gender cards that seems to be factors? Do you think, as a stickman on constant fire, that your minority status hurt your campaign?
Stickman: “AAAAARRGG!! AAAARRGG!!! AAAAARRRRRGGG!! ARG! ARRGG!”
Haye: “Ha, ha, ha. Very witty Mr. Stickman. I can see how that would have been an advantage for you. You can be either black or white depending on how hot you burn, and if the voters are swayed by a pretty woman Vice President then they should have loved you because you are much ‘hotter’ than her.”
Stickman: “AAAARRGG!! AAARRRRGGGGG!!! AAAAARRRGGGGGGGGGG!!!”
Haye: “And speaking of Vice Presidents, do you think that your choice of running mates hurt your campaign?”
Stickman: “AAARRRGGG!!!?”
Haye: “Well…your running mate was The Fonze.”
Stickman: “AAAAAAAARRRRGGG!! AARRGG!! AAAARRRGGG!!”
Haye: “Yes, I realize that he is ‘cool to the max,’ but he is also a fictional character.”
Stickman: “AAARRGG!!?”
Haye: “Yeah. Happy Days was a show, not a documentary.”
Stickman: “AARRGGGG!! AAAAARRRGG!!!”
Haye: “That makes sense. Henry Winkler hasn’t got anything better to do these days. Let’s switch topics. What do you think about the other two candidates spending outlandish amounts of money on their campaigns when your total campaign spending for the last three years totaled $64.37?”
Stickman: “AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!! AAARRRGG!! AAAAARRRRGGG!!!!! AAAAAARRRRRGGGGG!!”
Haye: “No, I’m not criticizing you. I understand that coffee is an important tool in maintaining any campaign.”
Stickman: “AAAAARRRGGG!! AAAAARRRRGGG!! AAAAAARRRRGGGGG!!”
Haye: “I agree. It does seem to send a wrong message in this time of our country’s financial troubles to spend millions of dollars on attack ads.”
Stickman: “AAAARRRGGG!!”
Haye: “So, to wrap this up…why did you choose to endorse Obama over McCain? His ideas and plans for our nation seem to more closely resemble yours…but what are the other reasons?”
Stickman: “AAAAAAARRRRRGGGG!!! AAAARRRRGGGG!! AAAAAAAAARRRRGGGG!!! AARRGG!! AAAARRRRGGGG!! AAAAAARRRRGGGG!!! AAARRGG!! AAAAAAARRRRGGGG!!! AARRGG!!! ARG! AAAAAAARRRRGGGGG!!!!!! AAAAAAAARRRGGG!! AAAAAARG!!! AAAAAARRRRRRGGGG!!! AARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!”
Haye: “Wow! You know, I was one the fence about who to vote for…but after that speech I realize that Obama it the clear choice to heal our country. That was the most eloquent and poignant explanation I have ever heard, and after America hears what you just said I am sure that Obama will win in a landslide. Do you plan to vote early or go on election day?”
Stickman: “AAARRGGG!! AAAARRGGGGG!!! AAARRGGG!!”
Haye: “What do you mean you’re not an American citizen?”
Stickman: “AARRGG!! AAAARRRGGG!! AAARRRGGG!!!”
Haye: “Yeah, I understand that you’re a stickman…but…you were running for President!”
Stickman: “AAARRRGGG!!?”
Haye: “You have to be an American citizen to…hell, you have to have been born here to run…you know what? Screw it! I’m out of here.”
At this point, ace reporter Haye Whatsizname turned off his microphone and stormed out of the bunker where the interview was being held. To date, he is the only reporter to survive an interview with Burning Stickman without being incinerated beyond recognition.
UPDATE…
Before this report aired we received word from our producers that reporter Haye Whatsizname is apparently dead after being involved in a tragic accident. It appears that he was taking his flame retardant jumpsuit off in his trailer when he tripped and fell, causing his new tie to somehow be caught in the ceiling fan. After cutting himself free he then apparently jumped around his trailer causing massive damage to his belongings, reached his hand into his Cuisinart food processor while it was on, and somehow broke his knees on a baseball bat that was lying around. While passed out on the floor it appears that a pillow from the couch fell on his face and smothered him.
To date, no foul play is suspected.
He will be missed by his accountant.
posted by Burning Stickman at 1:38 PM
1 Comments:
Getting Stickman on the ballot would definitely be an improvement, I can tell.
My column'll probably be in the PI next week.
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