Movies v.s. Real Life
There are a good many things that seem like good ideas when you see them in movies that are not so hot when you try them in real life. We watch the movies and pulling the hand brake when going around a tight corner looks like it is fun and exciting on the screen, but only results in buying new tires to replace the one that now have flat spots on them. In the movies surfing on top of a van (whether you are a werewolf or not) looks like it is fun, but in real life explaining to the police why you are hanging from the telephone line, that close lined you, over the middle of the street is not high on the to-do list.
This weekend we finally got some snow here in West Tennessee, although any Northerner would likely tell you that all we got was a dusting. If it’s not six inches, it’s not snow to them. Thus, lacking someone to talk to, on Saturday I took up my post in front of the idiot-box (television) and settled down with a six-pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. This had some curious effects on me. At about six o’ clock I found myself getting a little antsy for some kind of activity, and around that particular time two things happened. One, I ran out of beer. Two, I saw something on television that looked like it might be fun to try.
As I went around the house gathering what I needed (wallet, keys, a pair of pants that weren’t flannel and didn’t have polar bears on them) I thought to myself “Why haven’t I done this before?” I then answered myself Because it’s a stupid idea. “Then why am I trying it now?” Don’t ask me, I’m not the one who is bored. “If I’m bored then you are bored!” Nope. I got all kinds of places I can go in here that don’t involve freezing. “Asshole!” Idiot!
I let him win that one, but decided that later I would show him who was boss by pickling him with Jack Daniels. Show him what’s what. Anyway, I grabbed the last thing I needed and headed out the door. I tossed my bag in the back of the truck and pointed it in the direction of Future’s Golf Club. I had decided to play a couple of holes.
Now….it is February…and snowing. Thus the golf club is not currently open for business. This should have been the first indicator that what I was doing was not high on the list of intelligent things to be doing in the snow. But the four guys in the movie that I watched looked like they were having a good time, so how bad could it really be? I parked my truck and took the scenic route through the woods to the course, being that the owner lives in a house at the entrance of the club and would have seen me if I had brazenly gone the easy way. This should have been the second indicator. After fighting my way through a herd of mutated squirrels, who probably thought that I was trying to steal either their walnuts or Titleists, I emerged on the back nine.
I’m not going to go into detail, but after teeing off and realizing that there was no way I was going to find my ball I decided just to hit towards landmarks. After three more lost balls I realized two things. One, my hands were turning blue, which accounted for accidentally letting go of my club on the last swing. And two, there was a golf cart racing toward me three fairways over. I’d been made…time to beat a hasty retreat.
Another trek through the woods brought me out a little ways from my truck, and since there were not cops surrounding it I figured it was safe to get the hell out of there. I made it back home without incident and decided to take a nap instead of turning on the t.v. again. It had given me enough ideas for one day.
Later, I apologized to myself and admitted that I was, in fact, an idiot. My self accepted and I promised not pickle him in Jack Daniels. He insisted that that was okay, so I went to the bar and commenced the job in the company of a bunch of strangers. I was asked to play darts with real metal tips, and since I had seen plenty of drunk people playing darts in the movies (usually resulting in a dart getting thrown into someone’s ass for laughs) I decided to join. How bad could it be? They looked like they were having fun in the movie…
A dart in the ass later and I realized that not everything that we see in the movies is as fun and exciting when we perform them in real life. Someone giving an emergency tracheotomy in the movies always looks cool and heroic when they are done, but that doesn’t mean I want run around and look for someone choking so I can stick a pen in their throat. Jumping into a cab and saying “Follow that car!” usually just results in a big fare (especially if you just pick a car at random and they happen to live on Staten Island). So learn to make a distinction between the movies and real life. Things are never the same in both of them, and when you find out the hard way it usually just results in frozen fingers and a hole in the ass.
This weekend we finally got some snow here in West Tennessee, although any Northerner would likely tell you that all we got was a dusting. If it’s not six inches, it’s not snow to them. Thus, lacking someone to talk to, on Saturday I took up my post in front of the idiot-box (television) and settled down with a six-pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. This had some curious effects on me. At about six o’ clock I found myself getting a little antsy for some kind of activity, and around that particular time two things happened. One, I ran out of beer. Two, I saw something on television that looked like it might be fun to try.
As I went around the house gathering what I needed (wallet, keys, a pair of pants that weren’t flannel and didn’t have polar bears on them) I thought to myself “Why haven’t I done this before?” I then answered myself Because it’s a stupid idea. “Then why am I trying it now?” Don’t ask me, I’m not the one who is bored. “If I’m bored then you are bored!” Nope. I got all kinds of places I can go in here that don’t involve freezing. “Asshole!” Idiot!
I let him win that one, but decided that later I would show him who was boss by pickling him with Jack Daniels. Show him what’s what. Anyway, I grabbed the last thing I needed and headed out the door. I tossed my bag in the back of the truck and pointed it in the direction of Future’s Golf Club. I had decided to play a couple of holes.
Now….it is February…and snowing. Thus the golf club is not currently open for business. This should have been the first indicator that what I was doing was not high on the list of intelligent things to be doing in the snow. But the four guys in the movie that I watched looked like they were having a good time, so how bad could it really be? I parked my truck and took the scenic route through the woods to the course, being that the owner lives in a house at the entrance of the club and would have seen me if I had brazenly gone the easy way. This should have been the second indicator. After fighting my way through a herd of mutated squirrels, who probably thought that I was trying to steal either their walnuts or Titleists, I emerged on the back nine.
I’m not going to go into detail, but after teeing off and realizing that there was no way I was going to find my ball I decided just to hit towards landmarks. After three more lost balls I realized two things. One, my hands were turning blue, which accounted for accidentally letting go of my club on the last swing. And two, there was a golf cart racing toward me three fairways over. I’d been made…time to beat a hasty retreat.
Another trek through the woods brought me out a little ways from my truck, and since there were not cops surrounding it I figured it was safe to get the hell out of there. I made it back home without incident and decided to take a nap instead of turning on the t.v. again. It had given me enough ideas for one day.
Later, I apologized to myself and admitted that I was, in fact, an idiot. My self accepted and I promised not pickle him in Jack Daniels. He insisted that that was okay, so I went to the bar and commenced the job in the company of a bunch of strangers. I was asked to play darts with real metal tips, and since I had seen plenty of drunk people playing darts in the movies (usually resulting in a dart getting thrown into someone’s ass for laughs) I decided to join. How bad could it be? They looked like they were having fun in the movie…
A dart in the ass later and I realized that not everything that we see in the movies is as fun and exciting when we perform them in real life. Someone giving an emergency tracheotomy in the movies always looks cool and heroic when they are done, but that doesn’t mean I want run around and look for someone choking so I can stick a pen in their throat. Jumping into a cab and saying “Follow that car!” usually just results in a big fare (especially if you just pick a car at random and they happen to live on Staten Island). So learn to make a distinction between the movies and real life. Things are never the same in both of them, and when you find out the hard way it usually just results in frozen fingers and a hole in the ass.
posted by Burning Stickman at 8:35 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home