Where's the Sasquatch Aisle at PetSmart?
So I’m thinking of getting another pet.
Since my wife left I have felt this hollow feeling inside. It’s not really that she is gone, I have come to terms with that, but that she took my dog Al with her. Al and I used to have long conversations about life and God and whether chicken flavored rawhides are better than the beef ones. Okay, I had long talks and Al just sat there patiently until I gave him a bone to chew on. But you know...
So the question is, what kind of pet could I get to ease this burden? I can’t get another dog, Al is still my dog and I would feel like I was betraying him if I replaced him with another canine. I’ve always wanted a sloth, but I’m not sure how practical that is. Sure they are cool, and their fur grows this special bacteria, but playing fetch could get to be kind of boring. I throw the ball. He moves four inches and falls asleep. Wakes up, moves four inches and falls asleep. Wakes up, moves four inches and we both fall asleep. I take a two hour nap and he’s made the whopping headway of one foot. I wake up the next morning, he’s finally got the ball…you get the idea. And talk about taking him outside for a walk.
So a sloth is out. Do zombies count as pets? I mean, technically they aren’t people anymore but they can still do people things like walk and moan a lot. I could keep him in a cage and call him Rusty (cause of all the dried blood on him. Get it?). I could get him all riled up and we would play tag in the back yard, him moaning his flesh-wanting moan, and me giggling like a kid as he chases me. I would save a ton on pet food. All he would eat would be human flesh, and I couldn’t just go to the corner market and pick up a pound. But hell, what’s he gonna do if I don’t feed him? Die? The draw backs are pretty severe though. I mean if a dog bites you, you curse and put a band-aid on it. If Rusty bites you…well let’s just say it would be awkward sitting in my life insurance guy’s office trying to explain how it is that I am coming in person to collect. Could you collect your own life insurance if you were a zombie? I’ll have to look in on that.
What about something cute, furry, and exotic like an ocelot or a sasquatch? But then the food thing comes in again. I'm sure they eat a lot. (sasquatches not ocelots) I’m pretty stretched as it is for money, and I might not be able to afford the up-keep for a sasquatch. Plus, I would have reporters and scientists always hounding me for pictures and autopsies and I aint got that kind of time.
I would just talk to the voices in my head for company but one is British, one is from New York, and the other speaks Latin so when they start arguing with each other I can’t understand what they are saying.
Oh, well. Talis est vita.
Since my wife left I have felt this hollow feeling inside. It’s not really that she is gone, I have come to terms with that, but that she took my dog Al with her. Al and I used to have long conversations about life and God and whether chicken flavored rawhides are better than the beef ones. Okay, I had long talks and Al just sat there patiently until I gave him a bone to chew on. But you know...
So the question is, what kind of pet could I get to ease this burden? I can’t get another dog, Al is still my dog and I would feel like I was betraying him if I replaced him with another canine. I’ve always wanted a sloth, but I’m not sure how practical that is. Sure they are cool, and their fur grows this special bacteria, but playing fetch could get to be kind of boring. I throw the ball. He moves four inches and falls asleep. Wakes up, moves four inches and falls asleep. Wakes up, moves four inches and we both fall asleep. I take a two hour nap and he’s made the whopping headway of one foot. I wake up the next morning, he’s finally got the ball…you get the idea. And talk about taking him outside for a walk.
So a sloth is out. Do zombies count as pets? I mean, technically they aren’t people anymore but they can still do people things like walk and moan a lot. I could keep him in a cage and call him Rusty (cause of all the dried blood on him. Get it?). I could get him all riled up and we would play tag in the back yard, him moaning his flesh-wanting moan, and me giggling like a kid as he chases me. I would save a ton on pet food. All he would eat would be human flesh, and I couldn’t just go to the corner market and pick up a pound. But hell, what’s he gonna do if I don’t feed him? Die? The draw backs are pretty severe though. I mean if a dog bites you, you curse and put a band-aid on it. If Rusty bites you…well let’s just say it would be awkward sitting in my life insurance guy’s office trying to explain how it is that I am coming in person to collect. Could you collect your own life insurance if you were a zombie? I’ll have to look in on that.
What about something cute, furry, and exotic like an ocelot or a sasquatch? But then the food thing comes in again. I'm sure they eat a lot. (sasquatches not ocelots) I’m pretty stretched as it is for money, and I might not be able to afford the up-keep for a sasquatch. Plus, I would have reporters and scientists always hounding me for pictures and autopsies and I aint got that kind of time.
I would just talk to the voices in my head for company but one is British, one is from New York, and the other speaks Latin so when they start arguing with each other I can’t understand what they are saying.
Oh, well. Talis est vita.
posted by Burning Stickman at 8:08 PM
3 Comments:
You could put one of those cyber pets on your blog, but I'm not sure how much companionship you'd get out of it. Of course it wouldn't cost anything to get or feed....
How about a potbellied pig? I hear they make great pets and are very loyal much like a dog. He certainly could'nt eat much more than a large dog. Plus think of all the truffles he could sniff out. Bye the way, beef rawhides by far are better.
I happen to agree. On a dare from Al I tried both flavors and found that the beef ones had a smoother aftertaste.
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