Cupid's a Douche: Burning Valentine's Day

So Valentine’s Day is once again upon us, and there are millions of single people crying into their pillows or drinking in hopes that the mule sitting next to them will turn into someone attractive. There is even a secret club of single people throughout the nation who are banning together to get Valentine’s Day’s name changed to Annual Cupid is a Douche Bag Day. But…as a testament to the greatness of our nation, we have even found a way to include single people in on Valentine’s Day by exploiting them for profit just like they do the couples. Yes, corporate American doesn’t play favorites when it comes to taking people’s money. There has sprung up a whole market for the Valentine haters including shirts, candies, cards, and gift baskets. To hark on one of my favorite sites, you can get some Bittersweets from Despair.com, which will have you laughing and the other person weeping.

Yet, out of all of the single people on Valentine’s Day there are a few of us that see its significance, and appreciate its role in our society. It’s all about perspective. All about how you look at things. So I’m gonna give you a man’s perspective of Valentine’s Day, and what you can do to survive.

For single men, Valentine’s Day is not for you sit around and mope about how you don’t have someone to share it with…it’s about going out and finding someone of the opposite sex that is moping and use your chance to play the romantic card. Look at it this way, there has to be lots of single women out there who are just pissed and dateless on Valentine’s Day, and there has to be someone there to fill that void. Why not you? It’s the day when women expect romance, so why not give it to them and sweep someone off their feet?

You see, it’s not about what you don’t have (i.e. a significant other) but about what she doesn’t have that you can give to her. So be a proactive single and make someone’s day by making your own day. (If I haven’t beat around the bush enough for you to get the point, I’m saying go find a lonely woman and hook up with her so that neither of you is lonely anymore)

And for you men who are in relationships, don’t think of today as the ‘day when you have to go out and get something for her so she won’t be mad at you for two weeks.’ Think of today as a ‘get out of jail free’ card for the rest of the year. You see, once again it’s all about perspective.

You can be the typical guy and rush out to get flowers at the last minute, or you can be the guy who gets out of jail free for the rest of the year. Here’s how it goes. If you do something extra special and super romantic on Valentine’s Day, then any other time during the year that she looks at you and says “You never do anything nice for me” you can say “Hey, remember Valentine’s Day?” This is a lockdown on the argument if you have played your cards right. She either remembers and can’t say anything in return, or she can’t remember and you play like your feelings are hurt. Either way you come out of the argument a winner.

By some loophole in the romantic system this works all year. Since Valentine’s Day is the most special and romantic day of the year, if it is done correctly then the effects last longer and have more meaning. But…I’m not saying to overplay the card. If you try and use the card in every situation then you test its bounds and eventually the act doesn’t mean as much. Thus you are left without an excuse for why you got her a dust-mop for her birthday. You schmuck.

There are some guidelines to creating this day though. You can’t just expect to pull off some grand gesture without planning, did you? There needs to be at least a week of planning. Stop groaning you pussies. But this was supposed to be easy you might say. I never said that. Plus, isn’t a week planning one day worth the ability to buy gifts the rest of the year that you don’t have to put effort into? Back to planning…a week is what you’ll need at minimum. This gives you time to prod and spy for what she really wants. But you can’t just give her a gift. You have to wrap it in an event. Maybe you make dinner. Maybe a carriage ride for your princess. Maybe two roses delivered to her office every hour until she has a dozen. You decide, but the gesture has to be part of the effect so that the gift takes on more meaning. But…and this is very important…don’t do anything that you can’t possibly match or surpass the next year. Don’t buy her a car if you can’t afford to go to Paris France the next year. Get me?

So guys, if you play this right you have the ability to be insensitive the rest of the year because society has built up Valentine’s Day to be the one day when you are supposed to be the most sensitive. If you accomplish your mission today, then congratulations. If you failed today…then you might as well hand her your testicles now so she can keep them safe the rest of the year. You won’t be needing them.

So have a great Valentine’s Day (one way or the other you single men), and watch out for burning arrows today. I’ll be out and about with my bow.