Low Expectations and Ancient Chinese Wisdom

So, I believe that I have discovered what my future occupation as a writer might turn out to be. As much as I would like to write novels, or poetry, or screenplays, or songs I have come to realize that the world is filled with artists who are of the same mind as myself and are trying to make it in one of these fields as well. So I started looking down the untraveled road of my chosen profession at some of the overlooked, yet necessary, jobs for creative writers.

My epiphany came to me over dinner the other night. Brandy and I were sitting down to enjoy Orange Chicken, Mongolian Beef, Vegetable Lo Mien and some of Hollywood’s latest DVD releases. After the Black Dahlia I cracked open my fortune cookie to receive some ancient, Chinese wisdom. This is what I got. You are a fun and interesting person. What the fuck?!

Now I have been through many phases of fortune cookies, each one involving games that were played that centered around the fortunes locked away in the stale, orange flavored crescent. One game that I used to play when you had a group of four or more was a question game. Here’s how it went. You each take a cookie and then pick someone in the group and ask them a question. Supposedly the answer to your question was in that person’s fortune.
Example: John asks me whether the Lions will be in the Super Bowl this year. I open my fortune and it says The answer you get is not always the one you want. This is a good fortune and, in theory, tells John that he can expect the Lions to do just as good as the Raiders next year.

This game became ineffective when the fortunes started getting shitty. You can’t answer questions about life or the Lions with fortunes that say You are an inspiration to those you meet. Thus my old roommates Joe and Dave adopted the “in bed” method of fortune cookie reading. The basic principle is that after every fortune you add the words “in bed” to the end of it. The result being…You are the master of your skills…in bed. Granted, this concept also works for non-crappy fortune cookies as well. You will get a great surprise soon…in bed. A great college tradition, but one that props up the failings of modern fortune cookies instead of demanding more out of, what is supposed to be, your ancient Chinese wisdom.

Fortunes these days have all the wisdom of a Pet Rock, except at least a Pet Rock can sit on command. I’m tired of all these large fortune cookie manufacturers trying to be politically correct and making the reader feel good. That is not what fortune cookies are about. When I was young fortunes were exciting and real. A great surprise will come your way soon. Sure it’s generic and vague, but at least it gave you something to speculate about and look forward to. Some would say, “Well then if anything came along, say your Pet Rock running away, then it could be considered a ‘great surprise.’” That’s exactly my point. But instead we now have to read fortunes that tell us how nice we are, or tell us something that we already know.

This is why I am pondering devoting myself to becoming the best fortune cookie writer ever. I envision a line of fortune cookies that you would almost be afraid to open, because they might hold some great and personal fortune that you might not want to know. These are the fortunes for which I have pined. No more Your friends think you are a good person crap. I want people to open a fortune and shudder at the implied possibilities. Tomorrow will be the day of your undoing!

My fortunes would have great wisdoms also. Sayings from greats such as Sun Tzu, or Miyamoto Musashi, or Alf. Things that make you stop and think. I would still strive to deliver uplifting or inspirational sayings, but out of every hundred or so fortunes I would have to throw in a really depressing one like You will screw up your life very soon, or It will be your fault that he loses his leg, or She will leave you in the near future. You know, give some random person a reason to get up out of bed in the morning and be afraid. Because what is life if you can’t have expectations. Even if they are of the worst.