Thursday, March 16, 2006

Thwarting Death


An attempt on my life was made yesterday. Someone, mistaking me for a reincarnation of Julius Caesar, tried to kill me on the Ides of March. Their weapon of choice...jelly beans.

That’s right, in twenty years I will have high blood sugar and the assassin’s plan will have come round to fruition. Luckily, the poor bastard in the picture ate most of the beans and left me with a note. I guess I should have helped him instead of stopping for this picture, but when life gives you lemons...

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

What Evil Plot is This That Unfurls Before Me?


I believe that I have uncovered an evil genius’s plot for world domination. It is the only explanation that I can come up with for the events that have transpired so far today. I went outside to wash a car earlier, and the connector to the hose was cut off. The nozzle was laying on the ground…but the metal connector that screws the nozzle onto the hose was missing. I am baffled. Why not take the $12 nozzle? Why not take the $37 hose? Why just take a metal connector that you can buy a replacement for at Lowe’s for $1.67?

That particular connector must be the last component in an ice ray gun that will be used to subserviate the human race and make us unwilling thralls to this evil genius. Is it the metal composition of that particular connector? Was it cut off and stolen at 12:01 this morning to observe the Ides of March? Or am I an unwitting pawn in some master game that I do not comprehend? Maybe I just have too much time on my hands? I have been told that I need to post more blogs.......wait! No, wait for it! Wait for it! Wait for it.....

Are you pondering what I'm pondering. Probably not, most of you don't have access to a camel, eight feet of plastic ductwork, a gallon of yogurt, and an electric hedge trimmer. And if you do...well chances are you are the kind of person who would build an ice ray gun.

Is this all a ploy by my readers to get me to start writing more blogs? Which one of you took the connector? There’s only like four or five of you out there who read this thing, so I can narrow it down if I have to start visiting houses looking for ice ray guns! Fine you win. I’ll try to start posting more. Sheesh...strong arming so and so’s.