Got a Little Stickman in Ya?

Sometimes I get the urge to drink on the job. Maybe it’s the sense of defiance that comes from knowing that you are going against all social norms. Maybe it’s the sense of freedom that might come from knowing that no one can tell you what to do. Maybe it’s the unabashed feeling that you get from driving a rental car into a lake and laughing as it sinks to the murky depths. Maybe it’s the wantonness that comes from going up to a random lady and asking her if she’s got a little Captain in her, and then asking if she would like some.

Alas, all these are outweighed by the sense of confusion that might come from not remembering how you ended up on a side street in St. Louis with no clothes, a wad of cash, a half empty tube of Astro Glide, and a throbbing in your poo chute.

Yea…that’s never good. I’ll just wait till I get home.

Is Craphole One Word? I'll Take Craphole.

Do you ever have those mornings when you wake up and just know that the day is gonna suck donkey balls? That was me this morning.

First, I only got about three hours of sleep even though I went to bed an hour early (eleven instead of midnight). It was the dreams that kept waking me up. I’m not sure exactly what prompted the barrage of images through my head, but I ran the gambit last night when it came to dreams. I dreamed I was in the movie Back to the Future, I dreamed I was hunting zombies, I dreamed that I was going on vacation, and I dreamed about my ex-wife. Those were the ones I remember. Each one woke me up after roughly forty-five minutes of sleep and kept me awake for thirty minutes trying to sort through what they meant. Last night was a dream analyzer’s wet dream (pun intended).

So then I wake up fifteen minutes late and have to forgo a shower to get to work on time. This did not make me happy. My morning showers are what allow me to drag into work at 7:30 in the morning without swerving into oncoming traffic. Without them I not only feel like I am still asleep, but I also get those mid-afternoon urges to pick someone out at random and ask them questions about their faith and whether they are prepared to meet their maker if a sleep and shower deprived guy with bloodshot eyes were to suddenly start strangling them. This doesn’t help make friends, especially if the random person is a customer or your landlord.

So I speed into work on two tires, lay rubber on the parking lot getting into my space, and open the office only one minute late. I feel good about my accomplishment, even if the old lady with the, oddly flat, poodle that I scared half to death doesn’t share my sense of swelling pride. (Doesn’t she know that vehicles have the right of way on the sidewalk?) So I boot up the computer and….the Internet is down. Great! Grand! Wonderful! Everyone get on the bus!

Most would say, “But it’s just the internet, you don’t need to play checkers while you’re at work anyway.” What they would fail to understand is that my office is on a network that links me with the other offices via the Internet. Thus I am unable to clock in, check my reservations for the day, and generally get my junk together for the day. This is the cherry on the fruit salad.

We’ll see how the rest of the day goes. The Internet is finally back up so I can post this, but that doesn’t give me my shower back or that old lady’s poodle its life back. Right now I feel like Moe, and would use the word craphole to describe my day. On the upside, maybe my dreams were really premonitions and one of them will eventually come true during the course of the day. I’m betting on the zombies.