Patent Pending

What do a backscratcher, a sock, a rubber glove, and some scotch tape have in common? No, you sick bastard! That stunt hasn’t been tried since the late ‘70s, and it was a complete failure then. Two men, a woman, and a goat were hospitalized and a priest was called to sanctify the place after. What are you thinking? What I am talking about is my new invention. The phrase “Necessity is the mother of all invention” is one of the truest out there. Right up there with Murphy’s Law and anything Homer Simpson says. I found myself in a pickle recently, and I had to think fast and act accordingly.

When I got my new tattoo on the middle of my back (where I can’t reach without some latent mutant ability suddenly springing to light) I didn’t take into account the fact that I am going through a divorce and that there is no one in the house with me. So who’s gonna assist me in putting the tattoo lotion on my new artwork? This is where the gears started working and a new invention was born.

On the non-scratching end of the backscratcher I placed a sock (for comfort), over which I stretched a rubber glove (for sanitary purposes), and taped it all down at the end for waterproofing and stability. Thus I have the new Hard to Reach Back Area Lotion Application Wand (patent pending). Now with just the help of two mirrors, my skills gained as a contortionist (from the one time I saw that one guy on that one movie), and my new HRBALAW I am able to quickly (HA!) and easily (HA! HA!) apply the lotion to the necessary area of my tattoo.

“Why not ask one of your friends to do it?” you might ask. One: Guys have a reflex that renders us unable to ask another guy to apply anything to our bodies that involves touching. Unless the other guy is a doctor, brother, or very close friend that you have survived a life threatening encounter with we just can’t bring ourselves to ask. Two: Okay number one is really the only reason. “What about a friend who’s a woman?” you might then ask. I’m a man who was recently married. We don’t have friends that are women. We have general acquaintances with women at work or with our friend’s wives and girlfriends, and you just can’t ask a friend’s significant other to rub lotion on you. That’s a whole set of other problems just waiting to surface. And I am definitely opposed to asking complete strangers to rub me up with some lotion. Try asking a woman that you’ve just met to rub lotion on you. She will either walk/run away with a disgusted look on her face, promptly find the nearest law enforcement official and point you out as a pervert, or she will say yes. The ones who say yes are the ones that you have to watch out for.

So all in all, my new invention is a necessity that is unavoidable. Which is fine. We all live with out choices. I have the mirrors set up at the proper angles and the lines drawn on the floor, wall, and counter top of my bathroom where my hands and feet need to go. I’m all set. Good luck to all you future inventors out there, and never try what I am about to attempt without the supervision of an expert (Crazy Larry the Homeless Guy).

Epiphanies and Ink

Tonight I had an epiphany. No, not that pink cocktail drink down at the bar, a moment of inspirational evaluation and self growth. While I sat in a chair with a woman poking me with a needle repeatedly and injecting ink into my skin I had some time to do some thinking. Really there is nothing else to do while enduring the pain of a lasting mark except think about life and what exactly brought you to the point that you are at. I realized that getting a tattoo can be equated to what is endured as we go through life.

Both getting a tattoo and living life involve the process of enduring long periods of uncomfortable time followed by brief respites that seem way too short before the annoyances once again begin. Both leave you feeling raw…yet changed and somehow different. Tattoos leave the changes on the outside, where as life experiences change you from the inside. Many people think that you get used to it (both life and the hyper fast needle pounding ink into flesh) and soon get numb after a while, but that is untrue. Getting used to it takes away from the experience, and anything that is lasting (like a new tattoo or an emotion) involves enduring the bad to get to the good.

Sometimes you think you’ve had enough and you feel like you just want to give up, but then you clench your teeth, dip into your reserves of strength and make it through the next wave. And somewhere in the middle, of either that new phoenix tattoo or getting a divorce, you realize what your character is made of and that in the end something good will come from it.

Mistakes are also made in both endeavors. Getting “I Love the Cocks” tattooed on your butt just because you like the University of South Carolina is a bad mistake. Getting drunk and thrown in jail is a bad mistake in itself…but then you realize the tattoo mistake in all its glory when you have to take a shower with Big Ted. Yet, those mistakes help you learn. You learn not to get the Detroit Institute of Cutlery and Knives call letters (D.I.C.K.) tattooed on you. It’s not a smart investment in the long run.

There are a lot of people who scoff at tattoos and say that getting one is a stupid move in itself, but I have to disagree. Tattoos can be like scars. They can tell a story or serve as reminders of life lessons if they are chosen wisely and for sound reasons. They can also be garish and over the top if they are gotten for the wrong reasons (like that drunken night in Cabo). Such is Life as well. Life can be painful and seem pointless at times, but if something is learned then the pain seems worthwhile in the end.

So what did I learn tonight, besides seeing how white my knuckles will turn if I squeeze hard enough? I came to understand that in life we don’t always see what is coming, or like where it leads. Life has a nasty curveball when you are expecting a nice breaking ball to come your way. But to better yourself from those strikeouts is the only way to get through the game without throwing in the towel. (How did I get on baseball?) Tattoos are much the same way (No…don’t get a tattoo of a baseball). Getting a tattoo, for all the pain that is endured and blood that is shed, is worth it in the end if you choose wisely and have good reasons behind it.