Quasi-Futuristic Jumpsuit Anyone?

Has anyone ever seen Logan’s Run? Or Clockwork Orange? Or Gattaca? Or that episode of the Simpson’s where Homer stumbles into a world run by Flanders? Or any other science fiction movie that involves the government controlling the population? Well, it seems like these movies are cutting closer to home every day.

I heard on National Public Radio yesterday that there is a school in Massachusetts who is taking control of a very serious problem plaguing the student body and threatening to crumble society as we know it. The problem? Students wearing too much cologne. I shit you not.

The school wants to make the student body “fragrance free” in an attempt to lower the chances of asthma attacks that may be caused by heavy smells. Obviously, kids in Cape Cod high schools don’t sweat like they do in Tennessee high schools because I knew some guys that put on enough cologne to kill a yak and still smelled like four-day-old armpit. So, the question is when do the needs of the few outweigh the needs of the many? I’ll re-direct that question. When is it all right to restrict one group of people to better the lives of others? This question is kind of close to the surface for me because I smoke. I have had debates with many people over the subject of the government restricting the rights of smokers, and for some reason the anti-smokers see us as a health risk.

We’ve tried this before, if anyone remembers. We tried segregation because some simple-minded people decided that African Americans were different and so shouldn’t be integrated with white people. Segregation failed because it was wrong to separate people because of their color. Prohibition came along because some people thought that drinking was bad, so instead of letting people decide for themselves what they did with their own bodies they decided to cut off drinking entirely. The notion was that if you got rid of the cause (booze) then you could cure the people (Fred). But Prohibition fell on its face too. So now we think that we can cure second-hand smoke and discourage smokers by banning it in public places. Where’s my quasi-futuristic jumpsuit? I might as well start wearing it now.

The thing is, the government is starting to take the small things away from us because they bother other people. It has been argued to me that if my line of thinking was followed that next I would say it was okay to stab a guy in the street or diddle my biscuit (play with myself) in public. No, I am saying that after they take away the little things that bother other people (smoking, religion) then what is next. Those shirts with the clever sayings like “Professional Muff Diver” bother some people, so the next logical step is to ban shirts with words on them. But then the colors might be offensive to some, so a ban on colors comes into effect (see where I’m going yet?). Soon, (just like there was in school) there will be a dress code and everyone will be wearing non-offensive, conforming garments. So I’m gonna get ahead of the game and open my jumpsuit store now. Burning Stickman’s Quasi-Futuristic Jumpsuit Emporium! It just rolls off the tongue.

The kicker is...I’m gonna let the customers smoke while they shop.

Where's the Sasquatch Aisle at PetSmart?

So I’m thinking of getting another pet.

Since my wife left I have felt this hollow feeling inside. It’s not really that she is gone, I have come to terms with that, but that she took my dog Al with her. Al and I used to have long conversations about life and God and whether chicken flavored rawhides are better than the beef ones. Okay, I had long talks and Al just sat there patiently until I gave him a bone to chew on. But you know...

So the question is, what kind of pet could I get to ease this burden? I can’t get another dog, Al is still my dog and I would feel like I was betraying him if I replaced him with another canine. I’ve always wanted a sloth, but I’m not sure how practical that is. Sure they are cool, and their fur grows this special bacteria, but playing fetch could get to be kind of boring. I throw the ball. He moves four inches and falls asleep. Wakes up, moves four inches and falls asleep. Wakes up, moves four inches and we both fall asleep. I take a two hour nap and he’s made the whopping headway of one foot. I wake up the next morning, he’s finally got the ball…you get the idea. And talk about taking him outside for a walk.

So a sloth is out. Do zombies count as pets? I mean, technically they aren’t people anymore but they can still do people things like walk and moan a lot. I could keep him in a cage and call him Rusty (cause of all the dried blood on him. Get it?). I could get him all riled up and we would play tag in the back yard, him moaning his flesh-wanting moan, and me giggling like a kid as he chases me. I would save a ton on pet food. All he would eat would be human flesh, and I couldn’t just go to the corner market and pick up a pound. But hell, what’s he gonna do if I don’t feed him? Die? The draw backs are pretty severe though. I mean if a dog bites you, you curse and put a band-aid on it. If Rusty bites you…well let’s just say it would be awkward sitting in my life insurance guy’s office trying to explain how it is that I am coming in person to collect. Could you collect your own life insurance if you were a zombie? I’ll have to look in on that.

What about something cute, furry, and exotic like an ocelot or a sasquatch? But then the food thing comes in again. I'm sure they eat a lot. (sasquatches not ocelots) I’m pretty stretched as it is for money, and I might not be able to afford the up-keep for a sasquatch. Plus, I would have reporters and scientists always hounding me for pictures and autopsies and I aint got that kind of time.

I would just talk to the voices in my head for company but one is British, one is from New York, and the other speaks Latin so when they start arguing with each other I can’t understand what they are saying.

Oh, well. Talis est vita.