Better, Stronger, Faster
Have you ever noticed that there is always that one guy in every small town/suburban neighborhood/community that is constantly working on a car? The car is usually a “classic” muscle car (Chevelle, Cuda, Road Runner, Mustang) that has great paint job but never runs. When asked why it has taken seven years to rebuild the motor the guy will often use phrases like “I’m using all original parts” or “I can only work on it on Saturdays” or “Where are your pants” or “Oh my God, you’re on fire”…but we all know that original parts don’t mean squat to about 90% of most guys, working on the car every other weekend would at least produce a functioning engine over the course of a few years, and never mind where my pants are.
The truth is that the guy working on the car has no idea what he is doing. Seriously. He’s probably just staring at the engine and occasionally pulling dip-sticks to observe unchanged fluid levels, hoping that the engine will somehow heal itself and come alive if he gives it enough time and checks the windshield wiper reservoir enough. Some people might say that he is too proud to ask for help, but I have found that usually the guys with buddies who know about engines are the guys that are driving cool muscle cars and not just waxing the hood in the driveway (Most guys are willing to ask for help if it accomplishes what they want in a timely fashion). The problem is that he suffers from Average Guy Syndrome and so must learn thing by gleaning correct methods from hundreds (sometimes thousands) of failed attempts.
Studies conducted by some Above Average Guys have shown that over 117% of all men will eventually suffer from Average Guy Syndrome in one or more “typical guy areas” such as auto mechanics, sports knowledge, beer drinking, computers, and picking up women. These statistics were gathered and analyzed in a 1970 Hemi Cuda while listening to a re-airing of Super Bowl XIII and drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon. Some have questioned the validity of their findings.
The reason that I broach this subject is because I am, myself, dealing with Average Guy Syndrome in the area of computers due to the fact that my desktop computer is dying and I am trying to Frankenstein it back to life through a series of unimportant checks and virus scans. I have decided to wipe the computer clean to get rid of all the cyber STDs and clear the memory so that I can install my music program on it and record my own album (this in itself is a comedy of errors that I have debated filming for its pure comedic value). Yet one thing stands in my way…..me. I am not computer inclined. I know a lot about running programs (Microsoft Office, Quicken, Spider Solitaire) but when it comes to the actual internal dynamics of my computer I quickly recuse myself from the situation and curl into the fetal position under the table.
My desktop sits in the corner of my office/library making sounds like an asthmatic troll, is slower than the coming of Cthulhu, and refuses to shut down when I tell it to. The internet card in the back was fried last year during a lightening strike so I have no way to update my virus software and I have discovered that running the same scan dozens of times will produce the same tiny laughter from the modem (the sound of lots of viruses mocking my inability to destroy them).
At first I believed that my inability to repair a computer was not really a big deal and that most people don’t know how to fix glitches and such (this is why computer guys run successful repair shops), but then when mentioning my problems to my brother-in-law he looked at me like I had just asked him if he knew how to wipe his ass. I knew that he was very knowledgeable about computers (this is why I asked him) but I did not know that I would insult his intelligence by asking him if he could erase my computer for me while at the same time saving my music files. Apparently I had failed as a man by not spending copious amounts of time in front of a computer to the point of being able to erase and reprogram a modem with ease. I was further shamed when my wife fixed a glitch on my laptop that I had been fidgeting with for a week. I guess I should start wearing pink polo shirts and drinking foamy coffee-like beverages.
So I have come to terms with my Average Guy Syndrome in certain areas such as computers, sports history, and auto-body repair because I feel I make up for it by being an Above Average Guy in certain areas like movie knowledge, general plumbing, and mixing alcoholic beverages. I felt a little better when my friend John (who I know for a fact can write some pretty complicated programs from scratch) told me just to take it in and get it done by someone who does things like that all the time (Computer Guys). If they can rebuild Steve Austin then I know that these guys have the knowledge required to resurrect my desktop into a functioning machine and probably make it an advanced form of itself in the process.
Burning Stickman: This is my computer, a machine barely alive.
Computer Guy: Sir, I can rebuild it. I have the technology.
Burning Stickman: Will it be better than it was before?
Computer Guy: Better, stronger, faster.
Burning Stickman: Will it make the cool bionic sound when it does something cool and amazing like working when I tell it to?
Computer Guy: Where are your pants?
The truth is that the guy working on the car has no idea what he is doing. Seriously. He’s probably just staring at the engine and occasionally pulling dip-sticks to observe unchanged fluid levels, hoping that the engine will somehow heal itself and come alive if he gives it enough time and checks the windshield wiper reservoir enough. Some people might say that he is too proud to ask for help, but I have found that usually the guys with buddies who know about engines are the guys that are driving cool muscle cars and not just waxing the hood in the driveway (Most guys are willing to ask for help if it accomplishes what they want in a timely fashion). The problem is that he suffers from Average Guy Syndrome and so must learn thing by gleaning correct methods from hundreds (sometimes thousands) of failed attempts.
Studies conducted by some Above Average Guys have shown that over 117% of all men will eventually suffer from Average Guy Syndrome in one or more “typical guy areas” such as auto mechanics, sports knowledge, beer drinking, computers, and picking up women. These statistics were gathered and analyzed in a 1970 Hemi Cuda while listening to a re-airing of Super Bowl XIII and drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon. Some have questioned the validity of their findings.
The reason that I broach this subject is because I am, myself, dealing with Average Guy Syndrome in the area of computers due to the fact that my desktop computer is dying and I am trying to Frankenstein it back to life through a series of unimportant checks and virus scans. I have decided to wipe the computer clean to get rid of all the cyber STDs and clear the memory so that I can install my music program on it and record my own album (this in itself is a comedy of errors that I have debated filming for its pure comedic value). Yet one thing stands in my way…..me. I am not computer inclined. I know a lot about running programs (Microsoft Office, Quicken, Spider Solitaire) but when it comes to the actual internal dynamics of my computer I quickly recuse myself from the situation and curl into the fetal position under the table.
My desktop sits in the corner of my office/library making sounds like an asthmatic troll, is slower than the coming of Cthulhu, and refuses to shut down when I tell it to. The internet card in the back was fried last year during a lightening strike so I have no way to update my virus software and I have discovered that running the same scan dozens of times will produce the same tiny laughter from the modem (the sound of lots of viruses mocking my inability to destroy them).
At first I believed that my inability to repair a computer was not really a big deal and that most people don’t know how to fix glitches and such (this is why computer guys run successful repair shops), but then when mentioning my problems to my brother-in-law he looked at me like I had just asked him if he knew how to wipe his ass. I knew that he was very knowledgeable about computers (this is why I asked him) but I did not know that I would insult his intelligence by asking him if he could erase my computer for me while at the same time saving my music files. Apparently I had failed as a man by not spending copious amounts of time in front of a computer to the point of being able to erase and reprogram a modem with ease. I was further shamed when my wife fixed a glitch on my laptop that I had been fidgeting with for a week. I guess I should start wearing pink polo shirts and drinking foamy coffee-like beverages.
So I have come to terms with my Average Guy Syndrome in certain areas such as computers, sports history, and auto-body repair because I feel I make up for it by being an Above Average Guy in certain areas like movie knowledge, general plumbing, and mixing alcoholic beverages. I felt a little better when my friend John (who I know for a fact can write some pretty complicated programs from scratch) told me just to take it in and get it done by someone who does things like that all the time (Computer Guys). If they can rebuild Steve Austin then I know that these guys have the knowledge required to resurrect my desktop into a functioning machine and probably make it an advanced form of itself in the process.
Burning Stickman: This is my computer, a machine barely alive.
Computer Guy: Sir, I can rebuild it. I have the technology.
Burning Stickman: Will it be better than it was before?
Computer Guy: Better, stronger, faster.
Burning Stickman: Will it make the cool bionic sound when it does something cool and amazing like working when I tell it to?
Computer Guy: Where are your pants?
posted by Burning Stickman at 2:56 PM
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