Rubber Balloons and Fond Farewells
Picture it…
A balmy ocean breeze floating over the still summer day. A white sand beach that evaporates into turquoise blue water which stretches to meet the azure sky on the horizon. Mexican air filling your lungs with the sweet smells of roasted corn, and cumin, and flowers that you can’t name. Does this all sound inviting to you? Are you unemployed and looking for work. Are you willing to do “anything?” Then we have the job for you!
So…how does it sound? It’s my new pitch for a job that I have found for the Anything People. Lately I have become severely aggravated at the people that come in looking for a job and telling me that they will do anything (previous blog). I have spent weeks fuming and complaining to fellow co-workers, my wife, my friend John, my dog, and the surprised looking people in the men’s room at the local Taco Bell. Then I realized that I shouldn’t be mad at those people, I should pity those people and go out of my way to help them. Thus, I have done some brainstorming and come up with some possible careers for these persecuted job seekers.
The following are my pitches for the careers beginning at the point where they tell me that they can do anything…
Pitch #1
Me: So, what kind of work are you looking for?
Guy with Droopy Eyes: Oh, just about anything.
Me: Really? (My eye ticks as I restrain myself from assaulting him with a stapler) Well…we have some labor positions at a factory.
Lazy Bastard: Yeah, probably not.
Me: Okay. How about retail?
Boil on the Ass of Humanity: (waggles his hand in either the universal symbol for “so-so” or telling me he likes pornography involving baboons) Maybe…
Me: Right…I have to perfect opportunity for you. Do you like excitement in your job? New experiences every day? Really good pay for little or no work?
Guy with Mind Already on Sixth Beer: Sure.
Me: Good. Hold on one second…(I connect to the internet and begin typing)…..(still typing)….(still typing)….(shut up, I’m slow)….(I finish and look up at him) Alright. I just got you a job.
Impressed: What am I doing?
Me: Pharmaceutical testing.
Soon to Have a Third Nipple: What? What do you mean?
Me: You know when medicines list side effects like soar throat, asthma, and anal explosions?
And a Third Ball: Yeah?
Me: Well, you’ll be the one finding out what the side effects are. I signed a contract for you for a year.
And a No Hair: What? How could you?
Me: You said you would do anything. Don’t worry…everyone wants a second pair of arms. Right?
Pitch #2
Me: What can I do for you today?
Ten Pounds of Monkey Crap in a Five Pound Bag: I need a job.
Me: Really? How odd. You’re the first person today to come in looking for one.
Oblivious Guy: (unaware that he has sarcasm all over his shirt) Cool.
Me: What can you do?
Jack of All Trades: A little bit of anything.
Me: Alright, let me think a moment. (here I begin slamming my head against the desk)… (I stop) I’ve got it. Go to the bar on East Washington St and ask for Sugar Balls. Tell him you want a job in the male escort service.
Soon to Be Molested: Who’s Sugar Balls?
Me: Don’t worry about it. You willing to do anything?
MENSA Candidate: I guess…
Me: (shuffling him out of the office) Okay. Good luck. Hope you like Turtle Wax.
Pitch #3
Me: Anything? You are willing to do anything?
Four Minutes Before Lunch Guy: Yup.
Me: Want to make ten bucks right now?
Thinking About a Whopper: Sure
Me: Okay. (I fish out a ten dollar bill and give it to him) Now just sit there.
About to Have Amnesia: That’s all I d…..
(here I commence beating him with a flat screen computer monitor)
Pitch #4
Me: What kind of work are you looking for?
Him and Me: (in unison) Anything.
Me: Thought so. Do you like traveling?
Marco Polo: Sure.
Me: What about tropical locations?
Panama Bob: I guess…
Me: What do you think about rubber balloons?
Ex-Birthday Clown: I’m not sure what you…
Me: Do you get nervous around Custom’s agents?
Slowly Getting the Hint: I’ve never met one but…
Me: Could you walk normally with something in your ass?
Feigning Disgust: What!? What would be in my ass?
Me: About 30 grams.
Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius: Of what?
Me: You would have to ask Javier about that.
Soon to Invest in Laxatives: What kind of job is this?
Me: You would be a “liaison” to Mexico.
Human Luggage: Are you talking about smuggling?
Me: Listen…I’ve looked at your resume. I believe this is your only option.
Hugh Testicular Fortitude: Could you sign this?
A balmy ocean breeze floating over the still summer day. A white sand beach that evaporates into turquoise blue water which stretches to meet the azure sky on the horizon. Mexican air filling your lungs with the sweet smells of roasted corn, and cumin, and flowers that you can’t name. Does this all sound inviting to you? Are you unemployed and looking for work. Are you willing to do “anything?” Then we have the job for you!
So…how does it sound? It’s my new pitch for a job that I have found for the Anything People. Lately I have become severely aggravated at the people that come in looking for a job and telling me that they will do anything (previous blog). I have spent weeks fuming and complaining to fellow co-workers, my wife, my friend John, my dog, and the surprised looking people in the men’s room at the local Taco Bell. Then I realized that I shouldn’t be mad at those people, I should pity those people and go out of my way to help them. Thus, I have done some brainstorming and come up with some possible careers for these persecuted job seekers.
The following are my pitches for the careers beginning at the point where they tell me that they can do anything…
Pitch #1
Me: So, what kind of work are you looking for?
Guy with Droopy Eyes: Oh, just about anything.
Me: Really? (My eye ticks as I restrain myself from assaulting him with a stapler) Well…we have some labor positions at a factory.
Lazy Bastard: Yeah, probably not.
Me: Okay. How about retail?
Boil on the Ass of Humanity: (waggles his hand in either the universal symbol for “so-so” or telling me he likes pornography involving baboons) Maybe…
Me: Right…I have to perfect opportunity for you. Do you like excitement in your job? New experiences every day? Really good pay for little or no work?
Guy with Mind Already on Sixth Beer: Sure.
Me: Good. Hold on one second…(I connect to the internet and begin typing)…..(still typing)….(still typing)….(shut up, I’m slow)….(I finish and look up at him) Alright. I just got you a job.
Impressed: What am I doing?
Me: Pharmaceutical testing.
Soon to Have a Third Nipple: What? What do you mean?
Me: You know when medicines list side effects like soar throat, asthma, and anal explosions?
And a Third Ball: Yeah?
Me: Well, you’ll be the one finding out what the side effects are. I signed a contract for you for a year.
And a No Hair: What? How could you?
Me: You said you would do anything. Don’t worry…everyone wants a second pair of arms. Right?
Pitch #2
Me: What can I do for you today?
Ten Pounds of Monkey Crap in a Five Pound Bag: I need a job.
Me: Really? How odd. You’re the first person today to come in looking for one.
Oblivious Guy: (unaware that he has sarcasm all over his shirt) Cool.
Me: What can you do?
Jack of All Trades: A little bit of anything.
Me: Alright, let me think a moment. (here I begin slamming my head against the desk)… (I stop) I’ve got it. Go to the bar on East Washington St and ask for Sugar Balls. Tell him you want a job in the male escort service.
Soon to Be Molested: Who’s Sugar Balls?
Me: Don’t worry about it. You willing to do anything?
MENSA Candidate: I guess…
Me: (shuffling him out of the office) Okay. Good luck. Hope you like Turtle Wax.
Pitch #3
Me: Anything? You are willing to do anything?
Four Minutes Before Lunch Guy: Yup.
Me: Want to make ten bucks right now?
Thinking About a Whopper: Sure
Me: Okay. (I fish out a ten dollar bill and give it to him) Now just sit there.
About to Have Amnesia: That’s all I d…..
(here I commence beating him with a flat screen computer monitor)
Pitch #4
Me: What kind of work are you looking for?
Him and Me: (in unison) Anything.
Me: Thought so. Do you like traveling?
Marco Polo: Sure.
Me: What about tropical locations?
Panama Bob: I guess…
Me: What do you think about rubber balloons?
Ex-Birthday Clown: I’m not sure what you…
Me: Do you get nervous around Custom’s agents?
Slowly Getting the Hint: I’ve never met one but…
Me: Could you walk normally with something in your ass?
Feigning Disgust: What!? What would be in my ass?
Me: About 30 grams.
Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius: Of what?
Me: You would have to ask Javier about that.
Soon to Invest in Laxatives: What kind of job is this?
Me: You would be a “liaison” to Mexico.
Human Luggage: Are you talking about smuggling?
Me: Listen…I’ve looked at your resume. I believe this is your only option.
Hugh Testicular Fortitude: Could you sign this?
posted by Burning Stickman at 2:14 PM
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