Me Against the World....Skullduggery Ensues

So…apparently I used to torture small bunnies in one of my former lives. Or desecrate graves, or raped nuns. My wife and I have discussed it, and something in our distant past is causing our misfortunes now. We must have once been baby seal smugglers who peed on sacred monuments for fun.

It was a shit weekend…if you couldn’t tell. I was supposed to attend my 10 year high school reunion this weekend, but never made it. I was originally going to go to the free picnic (because I cringe at paying fifty bucks for my wife and I to mingle among people who I didn’t even know I was around in high school) but events transpired that kept me from a painfully awkward Saturday. Out of the two people that I really wanted to see; one disappeared a while back (Chas) and all my failed attempts to contact him has pretty much cemented the fact that he doesn’t want anything to do with people from his past, and the other is my friend Rob who has better things to do (like plan a wedding and live 6,800 miles from here in South Korea) than to go to a picnic. So, I went about my daily Saturday chores and when I realized that I surpassed the time to be at the picnic I wasn’t at all worried. At first I thought that missing the picnic was somewhat of a blessing. Instead of a crowd of people I didn’t hang out with in high school (most of them I either see at Wal-Mart or at my office for unemployment anyway) I was going to spend a relaxing day swimming. It was after swimming that the proverbial shit hit the proverbial fan…a couple of times.

When I woke up Saturday morning my right eye was red and irritated from sleeping in my contacts (yeah, I know…slap my hand), and after swimming for a couple of hours (and getting chlorine in it) it was virtually on fire. This redness and burning has persisted all the way up through today, which leads me to believe that I either have a weird alien fungus on my eye or my eye is actually plotting its escape by make itself so irritating that I literally pop it out of its socket, leaving it free to roll and play until I ceremoniously step on it while blindly stumbling around. But it didn’t end there.

After I had taken out my contacts and put on my glasses, my wife and I got a late lunch in town and headed home. When we arrived at the house I turned my truck off and heard a very peculiar sound…like nickels falling on asphalt. I had not parked in my usual spot, so when I noticed three large stains where my truck usually sits I got worried. Sure enough, when I looked under my truck I could see my preciously expensive gas dripping slowly from a crack in the tank cover. So I asked myself…

Me: How could this have happened?
Self: Maybe you ran over something and it scraped the tank.
Me: How the blue fuck am I going to run over something big enough to scrape the tank of a truck?
Self: It’s not a very big truck.
Me: It’s tall enough for me to know that I could safely pass over a skunk or opossum and not scrape the tank.
Self: Maybe you hit a sasquatch.
Me: I believe that I would have felt it if I had hit a sasquatch!
Self: Not if you were asleep.
Me: What the fu…
Self: You might want to get a bucket.

So I got a bucket to catch the life juices of my vehicle. I had about $1.75 in it when I went home for lunch today.

So to top the rest of the weekend off, Sunday was a day for pain. First, I woke up with my back hurting (which it hasn’t done since a month after my surgery) and my back tooth hurting (the one opposite the back tooth that I just had a root canal on). So by early afternoon I come to the conclusion that Fate has decided to slap it to me…but it wasn’t done yet. Not content to just attack me, Fate also steered its sites toward my wife. Brandy woke up with a sharp pain in her lower back on one side, and by late afternoon the pain was enough for us to check WebMD and discover that she probably has a kidney stone. Super! Fate has decided that both of us need a good rogering, so I have come to the conclusion that if the world is gonna be against me then I’m gonna be against the world.

Thus…I have decided to become a super-villain. Being good hasn’t been going in my favor so I have decided to wreak havoc among the rich, swear vendettas against the medical profession and pharmaceutical companies, plan large “heists” of unjust corporations, and other manner of evil plots. BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! I’ll call my evil organization Skullduggery Inc and begin world domination from the place that people suspect the least….Paris, Tennessee!

I’ll have to start reading up on gene splicing and mutations, because my first evil plot will be to unleash…war kittens!!!! That’s right, war kittens. Cute, loveable kittens with razor sharp claws that are sharp as razors, the viciousness of a mongoose, and the sanity of Charles Manson.

But, first things first…I need minions and theme music. I wonder if there is an online site where evil villains can get the things they need. Like Villain’s Paradise.com or something. If anyone is interested in a minion position with a growing company in the world domination market then you can contact me through this site. You must be strong, lithe, expendable, and able to wear spandex (only I get the Kevlar). I am also looking for musicians to play in my theme music band. For this job you will follow me everywhere, playing pre-arranged pieces that change depending on my mood and the situation, and also act as a first line shield in case of spontaneous gunfire. Must be strong, lithe, expendable, and be able to play an instrument. All minion applicants that can play music will be considered for this position as well.

I can feel the world shaking at the coming of (pre-recorded fanfare plays)….Skullduggery Inc!!!

Bring on the WAR KITTENS!!!!!!!!!!