Cupid's a Douche: Burning Valentine's Day

So Valentine’s Day is once again upon us, and there are millions of single people crying into their pillows or drinking in hopes that the mule sitting next to them will turn into someone attractive. There is even a secret club of single people throughout the nation who are banning together to get Valentine’s Day’s name changed to Annual Cupid is a Douche Bag Day. But…as a testament to the greatness of our nation, we have even found a way to include single people in on Valentine’s Day by exploiting them for profit just like they do the couples. Yes, corporate American doesn’t play favorites when it comes to taking people’s money. There has sprung up a whole market for the Valentine haters including shirts, candies, cards, and gift baskets. To hark on one of my favorite sites, you can get some Bittersweets from Despair.com, which will have you laughing and the other person weeping.

Yet, out of all of the single people on Valentine’s Day there are a few of us that see its significance, and appreciate its role in our society. It’s all about perspective. All about how you look at things. So I’m gonna give you a man’s perspective of Valentine’s Day, and what you can do to survive.

For single men, Valentine’s Day is not for you sit around and mope about how you don’t have someone to share it with…it’s about going out and finding someone of the opposite sex that is moping and use your chance to play the romantic card. Look at it this way, there has to be lots of single women out there who are just pissed and dateless on Valentine’s Day, and there has to be someone there to fill that void. Why not you? It’s the day when women expect romance, so why not give it to them and sweep someone off their feet?

You see, it’s not about what you don’t have (i.e. a significant other) but about what she doesn’t have that you can give to her. So be a proactive single and make someone’s day by making your own day. (If I haven’t beat around the bush enough for you to get the point, I’m saying go find a lonely woman and hook up with her so that neither of you is lonely anymore)

And for you men who are in relationships, don’t think of today as the ‘day when you have to go out and get something for her so she won’t be mad at you for two weeks.’ Think of today as a ‘get out of jail free’ card for the rest of the year. You see, once again it’s all about perspective.

You can be the typical guy and rush out to get flowers at the last minute, or you can be the guy who gets out of jail free for the rest of the year. Here’s how it goes. If you do something extra special and super romantic on Valentine’s Day, then any other time during the year that she looks at you and says “You never do anything nice for me” you can say “Hey, remember Valentine’s Day?” This is a lockdown on the argument if you have played your cards right. She either remembers and can’t say anything in return, or she can’t remember and you play like your feelings are hurt. Either way you come out of the argument a winner.

By some loophole in the romantic system this works all year. Since Valentine’s Day is the most special and romantic day of the year, if it is done correctly then the effects last longer and have more meaning. But…I’m not saying to overplay the card. If you try and use the card in every situation then you test its bounds and eventually the act doesn’t mean as much. Thus you are left without an excuse for why you got her a dust-mop for her birthday. You schmuck.

There are some guidelines to creating this day though. You can’t just expect to pull off some grand gesture without planning, did you? There needs to be at least a week of planning. Stop groaning you pussies. But this was supposed to be easy you might say. I never said that. Plus, isn’t a week planning one day worth the ability to buy gifts the rest of the year that you don’t have to put effort into? Back to planning…a week is what you’ll need at minimum. This gives you time to prod and spy for what she really wants. But you can’t just give her a gift. You have to wrap it in an event. Maybe you make dinner. Maybe a carriage ride for your princess. Maybe two roses delivered to her office every hour until she has a dozen. You decide, but the gesture has to be part of the effect so that the gift takes on more meaning. But…and this is very important…don’t do anything that you can’t possibly match or surpass the next year. Don’t buy her a car if you can’t afford to go to Paris France the next year. Get me?

So guys, if you play this right you have the ability to be insensitive the rest of the year because society has built up Valentine’s Day to be the one day when you are supposed to be the most sensitive. If you accomplish your mission today, then congratulations. If you failed today…then you might as well hand her your testicles now so she can keep them safe the rest of the year. You won’t be needing them.

So have a great Valentine’s Day (one way or the other you single men), and watch out for burning arrows today. I’ll be out and about with my bow.

Movies v.s. Real Life

There are a good many things that seem like good ideas when you see them in movies that are not so hot when you try them in real life. We watch the movies and pulling the hand brake when going around a tight corner looks like it is fun and exciting on the screen, but only results in buying new tires to replace the one that now have flat spots on them. In the movies surfing on top of a van (whether you are a werewolf or not) looks like it is fun, but in real life explaining to the police why you are hanging from the telephone line, that close lined you, over the middle of the street is not high on the to-do list.

This weekend we finally got some snow here in West Tennessee, although any Northerner would likely tell you that all we got was a dusting. If it’s not six inches, it’s not snow to them. Thus, lacking someone to talk to, on Saturday I took up my post in front of the idiot-box (television) and settled down with a six-pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. This had some curious effects on me. At about six o’ clock I found myself getting a little antsy for some kind of activity, and around that particular time two things happened. One, I ran out of beer. Two, I saw something on television that looked like it might be fun to try.

As I went around the house gathering what I needed (wallet, keys, a pair of pants that weren’t flannel and didn’t have polar bears on them) I thought to myself “Why haven’t I done this before?” I then answered myself Because it’s a stupid idea. “Then why am I trying it now?” Don’t ask me, I’m not the one who is bored. “If I’m bored then you are bored!” Nope. I got all kinds of places I can go in here that don’t involve freezing. “Asshole!” Idiot!

I let him win that one, but decided that later I would show him who was boss by pickling him with Jack Daniels. Show him what’s what. Anyway, I grabbed the last thing I needed and headed out the door. I tossed my bag in the back of the truck and pointed it in the direction of Future’s Golf Club. I had decided to play a couple of holes.

Now….it is February…and snowing. Thus the golf club is not currently open for business. This should have been the first indicator that what I was doing was not high on the list of intelligent things to be doing in the snow. But the four guys in the movie that I watched looked like they were having a good time, so how bad could it really be? I parked my truck and took the scenic route through the woods to the course, being that the owner lives in a house at the entrance of the club and would have seen me if I had brazenly gone the easy way. This should have been the second indicator. After fighting my way through a herd of mutated squirrels, who probably thought that I was trying to steal either their walnuts or Titleists, I emerged on the back nine.

I’m not going to go into detail, but after teeing off and realizing that there was no way I was going to find my ball I decided just to hit towards landmarks. After three more lost balls I realized two things. One, my hands were turning blue, which accounted for accidentally letting go of my club on the last swing. And two, there was a golf cart racing toward me three fairways over. I’d been made…time to beat a hasty retreat.

Another trek through the woods brought me out a little ways from my truck, and since there were not cops surrounding it I figured it was safe to get the hell out of there. I made it back home without incident and decided to take a nap instead of turning on the t.v. again. It had given me enough ideas for one day.

Later, I apologized to myself and admitted that I was, in fact, an idiot. My self accepted and I promised not pickle him in Jack Daniels. He insisted that that was okay, so I went to the bar and commenced the job in the company of a bunch of strangers. I was asked to play darts with real metal tips, and since I had seen plenty of drunk people playing darts in the movies (usually resulting in a dart getting thrown into someone’s ass for laughs) I decided to join. How bad could it be? They looked like they were having fun in the movie…

A dart in the ass later and I realized that not everything that we see in the movies is as fun and exciting when we perform them in real life. Someone giving an emergency tracheotomy in the movies always looks cool and heroic when they are done, but that doesn’t mean I want run around and look for someone choking so I can stick a pen in their throat. Jumping into a cab and saying “Follow that car!” usually just results in a big fare (especially if you just pick a car at random and they happen to live on Staten Island). So learn to make a distinction between the movies and real life. Things are never the same in both of them, and when you find out the hard way it usually just results in frozen fingers and a hole in the ass.