I See Dead People...Person...Guy

Okay, I just visited a site that I hope becomes a big deal. Dead Body Guy is a true inspiration in the world of people that think too much about celebrities and model themselves according to others. This guy is a silent genius. I think he should be given a shot.

I’ve seen a lot of movies (and when I say a lot, I’m not just fucking with ya), and all the corpses are so bland. No personality. Just because a guy is supposed to be dead on screen doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to have charisma. This guy…he has charisma.

I urge everyone to visit his site and check out the pics. They are hilarious.

Thanks Dead Body Guy, for giving us a little bit of sanity, in a spooky, somewhat twisted way. You made my day.

Stupid is as Stupid Does

I’ve noticed an ever growing trend over the past few years. Despite all of our technological and medical advances that make the human race look as if we are getting smarter, we as a people are actually growing more and more dull witted everyday. I say this with the knowledge that I myself am not the smartest person in the world, and that I can’t cure a disease or invent a new laundry soap, but I do have common sense which is more than I can say for a lot of people.

Working for a number of thankless, uncongratulatory jobs where I deal with the public on a day to day basis have shown me that people like to remain blissfully unaware of their surroundings so that they can get the percentage of brain activity down from 10% to somewhere in the 3-4% range. Just enough to breath, sweat, and walk without physically hurting themselves (which some still can’t accomplish). I break these people down into two classes and examples will be provided.

Class #1: Stupid Question People
Bill Engvall must be a good observer of human nature, because his “Here’s Your Sign” routine is essentially what I am talking about here. Except, I have seen this stupidity taken to whole other levels entirely. Mr. Engvall’s comedy bases itself around people asking stupid questions without thinking about it. A ‘in the heat of the moment’ kind of thing. Yet, the people that I have had to deal with don’t have the luxury of making this claim.

Example: I used to work at a pizza joint*. I am now convinced that restaurants and fast food chains are the nexus of stupid questions around which all other stupid questions seem to revolve and branch out. I could fill several pages with the incidents that occurred while I was working for the pizza store, but one stands out above the rest which exemplifies my point of how people just don’t use their brain.

A man comes into the store, walks up to the counter and uses the time that it takes me to get to the side opposite him to look around the store. “May I help you sir?” I ask. The response I got was, “Do you have pizza here?” He looks at me, when he asks this, with a deadly serious face. Time freezes as I carefully consider my responses to this question. A simple ‘yes’ would been giving in and making me a part of the cycle of stupidity that had just begun to circulate, and I couldn’t live with myself if I humored him and let him continue to be stupid. So my response was, “No sir, we have this new Italian dish that is made with dough, tomato sauce, and cheese. We shape the dough into circles and put the sauce and cheese on top. Sometimes we get crazy and put pork products and vegetables on it.”

So maybe I didn’t have to be that condescending about it. Maybe he was just asking a question, you might say. Well, let’s consider the facts of the moment shall we. One: he had to see our road sign to know where we were, thus he was aware of where he was going and not just aimlessly wandering the streets in search of food. Two: he stood at the counter and asked me the question. Behind me is a large menu with pictures of pizza on it, prices of pizza on it, toppings of pizza on it, and the word pizza displayed several times in several different locations on it. My hat and polo shirt both had the word pizza emblazoned on it. There were people behind me making pizzas and people pulling fully cooked pizzas out of the oven. At some point the spark of thought should have ignited in his head that this was a pizza place and we, in fact, sold pizzas. If he had asked about hot wings, or breadsticks, or even crack-cocaine I would have been apt to forgive him and answer his question because the huge sign in front of our store did not say ‘Crack-Cocaine Delivery’ on it. That could be an honest mistake. But his question was born of a lazy society where we want people to give us the answers instead of rationalizing for ourselves. Stupid bastard.

Class #2: People Oblivious to Everything Around Them
These are the fucks who cut you off in rush hour traffic because they suddenly got a craving for McDonalds and had to make the turn across three lanes of traffic right then and there…without a blinker. These are the people who you see everyday looking like they are shitting out a pelican-sized turd because they are concentrating so hard on something vastly difficult like a 15% gratuity at Applebee’s. These are the people who were surprised when President Bush revealed that he had been conducting unauthorized wiretaps. Simple concepts do not register with these people because they live their life in a haze of stupidity where they expect to be told what to do and when to do it by some higher power like (gasp)…a boss.

This creates a problem for the people who have reasoning skills, because then higher powers (bosses, presidents) automatically assume that all people are that oblivious and that they have to talk to use like third graders. These oblivious people also create a hazard to society at large because, just like Body Snatchers, they look just like everyday people. You never know if you are in the presence of an oblivious person until they utter some phrase like “Social Security is never going to run out,” or do something stupid and frustrating like coming to a almost a complete stop on the highway before they make their turn (without a blinker) causing a four car pile-up behind them because no one knows what the hell they are doing.

Example: I now work at a car rental place. A woman came in and wanted a car. She asked the prices of our vehicles and made her selection. I asked her about her insurance. This was the conversation that followed.
Woman: “You have to have insurance to rent a car?”
Me: “Yes.”
Woman: “Why?”
Me: “You have to have insurance to drive in this state. So you have to have insurance to rent one of our cars.”
Woman: “I never heard of that.”
Me: “Having insurance on a car?”
Woman: “Yeah.”
Me: “Somehow I’m not surprised.”

Then when the total came up she was surprised that the amount was higher than what I quoted her. Thus, I had to go into the spiel about how the tax system of the United States is set up, complete with diagrams and textbook references. When you look at purchasing any item in this country, you should know that the item is never what it says on the price tag. There is tax on it. But for some reason I guess she thought that we had discovered a way to circumvent the system and not worry about what the Federal Government says.

My advice to anyone who might be in jeopardy of falling into either one of these two categories, either by proxy or choice, is to think before you speak or act. Thinking is the process that your brain goes through when neurons fire and thoughts come to the surface. Let’s use all 10% of those minds, and not be lulled into a numbing stasis by the things that go on around us. Be aware of your surroundings. If you are walking and a hole is in front of you, don’t wait for someone to tell you it’s there or look for directions on what to do in that situation. Step around it. Go on, step around it. You can do it. There you go. Now you can resume your walk without breaking an ankle.

*The name of the pizza place has been left out to protect Papa John's