The Singing Dead
Did anyone else know that Ronnie Milsap was alive? I seriously thought he had died, like, five years ago. But, there I was last night sitting on my couch enjoying a(n) (insert name of baked cheese-ish product here) and up pops a commercial for his new “gospel” CD with Ronnie smiling on the cover of the album like he had just received a reach around by Jesus himself. At that point I aspirated an entire handful of baked-in cheddar flavor and was only saved when Ari, seeing my bulging eyes and excited demeanor, thought we were suddenly playing and jumped up to plant both paws directly onto my junkbox… causing me to exhale forcefully and cover her and the coffee table in a fine orange mist.
This small episode of choking caused me to miss the flashing phone number where I might get some answers, and Brandy was laughing too hard at me to pay attention to Mr. Milsap discuss with the audience why he had decided to remain alive despite all natural laws. So my shocked brain was forced to collect itself, assimilate facts, and accept that Ronnie Milsap was indeed still alive and selling out to the Christians. I mean, he should only be in his sixties right? And just because no one has really heard from him since like 2000 doesn’t mean that he’s dead right?
But, the more I thought about it the more couldn’t shake the feeling that something was just not right. So I got on my D.A.B. (Digital Answer Box….the computer smart guy) and started searching for information about ol’ Ronnie Milsap. According to some experts (conspiracy theorists) Mr. Milsap, in fact, died in 1994 and has been kept alive through the use of black arts and secret incantations. Much of what I read on this may be construed by some people as actually talking about his music career, but I can read between the lines and I know that Ronnie Milsap is in fact……........a zombie.
Singing zombies are not all that surprising. Remember Thriller? Well that……..what? What do you mean you’ve never seen Thriller? It was one of the most influential music videos of this century. Do you even know who Ronnie Milsap is? You don’t?! Then why the hell have you been reading this? Are you that bored at work? I can’t even warn you about the singing dead because you don’t know who the singing dead is!
“Lost in the 50’s Tonight” anyone? No? Damn it all!
This small episode of choking caused me to miss the flashing phone number where I might get some answers, and Brandy was laughing too hard at me to pay attention to Mr. Milsap discuss with the audience why he had decided to remain alive despite all natural laws. So my shocked brain was forced to collect itself, assimilate facts, and accept that Ronnie Milsap was indeed still alive and selling out to the Christians. I mean, he should only be in his sixties right? And just because no one has really heard from him since like 2000 doesn’t mean that he’s dead right?
But, the more I thought about it the more couldn’t shake the feeling that something was just not right. So I got on my D.A.B. (Digital Answer Box….the computer smart guy) and started searching for information about ol’ Ronnie Milsap. According to some experts (conspiracy theorists) Mr. Milsap, in fact, died in 1994 and has been kept alive through the use of black arts and secret incantations. Much of what I read on this may be construed by some people as actually talking about his music career, but I can read between the lines and I know that Ronnie Milsap is in fact……........a zombie.
Singing zombies are not all that surprising. Remember Thriller? Well that……..what? What do you mean you’ve never seen Thriller? It was one of the most influential music videos of this century. Do you even know who Ronnie Milsap is? You don’t?! Then why the hell have you been reading this? Are you that bored at work? I can’t even warn you about the singing dead because you don’t know who the singing dead is!
“Lost in the 50’s Tonight” anyone? No? Damn it all!
posted by Burning Stickman at 3:28 PM
1 comments
